The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

39

Seokjin drags his feet up the stairs, and like everyday since Sunday after your fight, he looks at your door and waits a few seconds before he heads to his room.

It's that silly little hope he has that you'd exit at the right time when he's outside and he could see your face that isn't on his phone screen. Those photos from France have been his saving grace this whole week; without them, he doesn't know how he would've survived, knowing the terrible state of your relationship.

The first and only time he was able to look at you was during Monday's meeting. You delivered your report well, as you always do, but he was too much of a coward to comment or email you for questions. So many times since then, he wanted to just go inside your room and talk to you - about food, about work, about this video he watched, about you, about what he feels... and how sorry he is for making every stupid decision he could ever make since he realized he's fallen for you.

He wants to apologize for everything, tell you that he meant what he said about being in love with you, something he hadn't expected to feel this fast or this certainly. He wants to ask for another chance, to ask what he can do to prove to you that he's nothing like your exes who would just lie and cheat and take advantage of you, to ask how you can both move forward, together.

He'd find the guts to exit his room and stand outside yours, but at the very last moment, he realizes he can't do it. There's always that chance you'll hear him out and speak to him, and that may mean forgiving him and letting him in again. But there's also a chance that you'll want out, that you'll say you've made up your mind and you don't want anything to do with him anymore, and he's not ready for that.

But he's been such a mess all week. Yoongi talks to him every night. Taehyung visits him in his office every morning and invites him for dinner and drinks and whatever; even to play golf over lunch just so he'd have something to look forward to, but it's really hard to be excited about anything. He usually ever really gets excited even about the simplest things with you.

But he also knows he's been letting himself go a little too much. He's quite absent-minded at work and it takes him hours to get focused, leaving him staying in the office until the late evening just to get something done. He's been trying to figure out how best to approach you, on what he should say to make things clear to you - that he's sorry, that he wants you, and that he'll make it up to you.

He finally finds the strength to do it tonight. He had dinner at Taehyung and Hyun-a's place and they were the ones advising him how to deal with conflicts and arguments like this.

"You just have to go through it, hyung," his brother had said. "There's really no simpler or better way. You just have to tell her in whatever way you can. Find out how she will listen and let her know you mean every single word."

So that's why he's here, knocking on your door and cutting off your question on who it is. You're at least here and you'll listen, but he'll make sure not to make it any more difficult for you.

"I won't come in, I promise," he says, leaving the door open just enough for you to hear each other. "I just want to say what I've been meaning to say all week but just didn't have the guts to because I've been so scared. Is that okay? If you don't want to, just let me know. I, uh, I don't want to force you into anything."

He hears you shut the TV off and when you don't say anything else, he continues.

"I was gonna send you voice messages but I kept deleting them because I sounded terrible," he chuckles, ironically tinged with sadness. "And you could just delete them I guess and I'd never know so uh, I decided to just do this instead. It's kind of nerve-wracking; my hands are actually shaking right now. It's like that though, right, when you care about something and someone? Everything is scary, losing them is scary. And I could just feel that that's so close to happening with you."