The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

44

You head to your room after dinner and take a shower, feeling the long day and the rollercoaster ride of emotions drain from your body.

It's liberating, being able to feel, and being able to acknowledge that feeling. You've been keeping it at bay, not bothering to look deeper and try to understand what it meant.

Just like what happened in France when you started to realize the comfort of being with Jin and how it would feel like being with him, you just took everything else after at face value. You took his closeness as being more comfortable, his affection as still part of the act, and the sex as his need for some stress release. You just took them for what they were and what you wanted to believe what they were because it was more convenient for you that way - no need to be confused, to be worried, to be scared of what's new, of what's different. Of what's better.

But knowing what it's like to almost lose him, it's like feeling the rope slip right through your hands and your initial reaction was to pull so hard to not lose it, and that's what it was like. It was all too fast and too much and you knew right then that you didn't want to let go. Any later and it would've been too late - he would've pulled away before you even realized he was trying to pull you back in.

You think of all the possibilities now, of what you and Jin can finally be, and there's anxiety and excitement at the same time, and you're going to be embracing that part of the relationship, too.

You finally exit the bathroom in your nightgown - a black, lacy one just because.

"I thought you realized you made a mistake and were figuring out how to tell me," Jin says from the bed, seated and leaning against the headboard as he watches you walk towards him. "I figured maybe that's why you took so long."

"I was still processing everything, okay," you correct. "And if you could see me, I was smiling like an idiot the whole time. It was weird."

"Well, I could've seen you but you didn't offer."

"Hey!" You say, wide-eyed. "One at a time. I'm still getting used to this."

"Is that why you're in sexy sleepwear for the first time?" He smirks. "Making up for our wedding night?"

"Shut up," you say, crawling on top of him to straddle him. "Just thought that I don't have to hide from you anymore, and I mean clothes-wise."

"That's right, you don't. But you could be naked or wrapped in the ugliest Christmas sweatshirt and I'd still want you. Promise."

"Oh, what a charmer," you roll your eyes. "But thank you. You could also be wearing a potato sack and you'd still be the most handsome man ever."

"Well duh. It's my face, it's part of me,"

"You're annoying," you tease, kissing his nose and his puffy cheeks. "But it's okay, I think I can live with that."

"At least you know how I feel," he huffs, earning him another smack from you.

You settle comfortably next to him now, laying your head on his chest with your arm around his waist, while his one hand caresses it and his other affectionately plays with your hair.

"I'm really sorry, Jin," you hum. "I hate to imagine that you were waiting here all this time, thinking I was really going to leave you for good."

"Don't worry about it," he assures, kissing your forehead. "You came on time. I was about to go to a 24-hour arcade place and probably lose all my wealth and my sanity there," he chuckles, and you just hang onto him tighter, forcing the image of a helpless Jin, all alone, if you hadn't come.

"You'll never run out of money, though. But yeah, you'll probably lose your mind," you huff. "I'm just glad I opened my carry-on when I did. Otherwise, I would've found the papers when I was already there. I guess that would've been harder."

"Were you looking for anything in your bag?" He asks. "Just curious. I know you like putting everything in your purse so you don't have to open your carry-on for anything."

"Uh... I was trying to get my mind off you, actually. You hugged me like it was goodbye and there was just this sinking feeling I couldn't shake. So I tried to look for the envelope that had Namjoon's letters so I'd think of him. But then I saw the papers instead."

"Seemed like a sign," he hums.

"It was. And so I asked Mr. Lim to drive back here and he just drove faster without me telling him to," you chuckle. "I guess he just knew."

Jin hums again, continuing to comb your hair and essentially massaging your head, causing you to get a little sleepy. It's been quite a day and your heart is actually still pounding.

"How, uh, how's Namjoon, by the way? How did he take it?" Jin wonders.

You think back to the car ride earlier, how you'd asked Mr. Lim to turn back and head home, and the phone call that you made on the way here.

"Hey, ___. Are you in the airport already?" Namjoon had asked after he picked up the phone and you greeted him. "I can't wait to see you again."

"Joon, I won't make it," you'd mumbled, trying to figure out until then how to tell him everything. But you've always been honest with each other, and he'd always known what was going on with you and Jin, except for what happened recently. "I'm so sorry, but I want... I want to work it out with Jin. And I need to tell him that, I need to show him that. I can't wait any longer," you sighed. "I can't leave, Joon. I need to tell him how I feel."

There was a pause before he responded, the tinge of sadness and acceptance, unmissable in his voice. "I understand, ___. Does he, uh, does he love you?"

"He does."

"What about you?"

"I will," you responded, "or I guess, I'm starting to."

"That's really great to know, ___. You deserve love and happiness more than anyone," he'd said, and somehow you could hear the smile on his face as he comforted you and told you that it was okay, that he still had other options but that you were his biggest consideration for taking the one in Incheon. He'd said he hopes you both could still catch up every once in a while, and maybe see each other again, too.

"Thank you, Joon. That really means a lot." Your voice cracked at the sound of his voice, how it slowly softened, gradually losing the vigor it earlier had. "I'll go ahead now, okay?"

"Okay," he replied, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry I took so long."

"I'm sorry, too," you said, feeling like you'd finally let go of the rope that had connected you to him all these years. It felt final, but it also didn't feel like the end. "Take care of yourself. I'll see you around."

"Joon was fine," you tell Jin, as you wrap your whole body around him to try to get to feel him more, to remind you that he's right next to you, and you're not going to lose him any time soon. "I told him that you loved me enough to let me go, and he just understood."

"He let you go, too."

"I think he was just waiting for me to be the one to walk away," you say. "Maybe I'm his dead star, too."