The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

42

You arrive home around 10, after having dinner and coffee with your brother. You're surprised to walk up the foyer stairs and find Seokjin on the kitchen counter, drinking a glass of juice.

"Hey, you're home," you say, surprised he's back so early.

"Yeah, I left after the awarding," he hums. "Nothing else to do there."

"Oh, okay. Uh, nice speech, by the way," you smile.

"You were there?" He asks excitedly, and you hate that you have to hurt him like this.

"Oh, uh. Live telecast, actually. Dad's operation finished right before your speech. I'm sorry."

"Right," he replies, his smile faltering. "How is he doing?"

"He's okay. He'll go home tomorrow and then go back to the doctor in 3 months, but they said there's not much to worry about anymore. He just needs to exercise and not be stubborn with his meds," you chuckle.

"That's good," he says, sounding a little too formal for your liking. "Uh, you're uh, leaving on Friday, right? For Hong Kong?"

"I am," you mumble, not ready to talk about this with him. If you're being honest, you're not ready to think about the trip at all.

You return his gaze, as if words are being said between you but unlike before, you don't know what they mean. There's apology, sadness, longing, and you can't help but think that you mirror them, too.

"Okay. Everything's ready? I asked Mr. Lim to drive you to the airport so just let him know what time you'll leave. I'll be here then, to wish you goodbye."

You're only able to nod, returning the goodnight that Jin mumbles, and watch him walk up the stairs and softly close the door of his room.

You feel the weight of the upcoming trip pull you down. It's odd, not feeling that much excitement about it when you remember a time when you'd always be waiting for Namjoon's call, for his letter, for that offer that would bring him home, or for any arrangement that would make a relationship between both of you finally happen. But not this time, as it gets clearer what you're losing, as the day you see the man you've held onto for so long draws close.

Namjoon is a memory, a dream at one point, but he hasn't been your reality for years, as your brother had told you earlier. You were holding onto him because you thought that was the best you could do, even if he wasn't around, because he made you feel wanted, even from miles away. He's your safe zone, Hoseok reminded you, and that may mean not getting hurt because you know what to expect, or in the long-run, that may mean keeping other people out.

You drag your feet up the steps and glance at the closed door across the hall. Behind it is the one who, like your brother said - wants you, loves you, and he's here. That's something to think about, isn't it?

You pointed out Hoseok's change of allegiance, but he corrected that he was always on your side. Seeing how you've been the past weeks just clarified what that meant, but it's up to you to make that decision.

Seeing Namjoon is important to you. This time, you know it won't just be a casual catch up but a talk of what would now become of you. There's so much history between the two of you - of love, forgiveness, sacrifice, and you can't just leave that behind. You'll be losing something whatever you do, and you didn't hold onto his promise only to cut short of knowing if he'll keep it, if it'll work out, if it was all worth it in the end.

**

Mr. Lim picks up your luggage from your room and heads out to put it in the car. You follow after, wondering where Jin is because he'd left his door open. You walk downstairs and find him standing in the living room, hands in his pockets, and a smile tinged with sadness on his face.

"You have a safe trip, alright?" He says. "Could you, uh, could you let me know when you land?"

"I will," you smile.

He nods, his gaze lingering, before he takes you in a hug. "Take care there, okay?" He whispers. "Don't eat just anything because you can still get an infection."

You respond with a tightened hold around his waist. It feels like it's been so long since you last held him, got close to him, felt him.

"I will," you whisper.

He tenderly kisses your forehead, lingering, and somehow this feels different.

"You'll miss your flight. Go on," he lets go. "Goodbye, ___."

You wave back and get inside the car. Why did it feel exactly that - a goodbye?

**

As you head towards someone and leave someone else behind, somehow it's the latter you can't stop thinking about - Jin, and his soft eyes that were trying to tell you something. Jin, and his bread cheeks and his sweet smile and his infectious laugh that you miss. Jin, and the comfort of his voice and the tenderness of his touch.

He's all you've been thinking about, but with just a few hours away of seeing Namjoon, you try to fill your mind with him; this is a long time coming, and you know you have to focus on this trip to get that closure you know you need.

You remember the envelope with his letters, and the ones you've written since coming back from France. It's in your carry-on luggage, and as you search for it in between a few of your clothes, you find something else.

There's a brown envelope with a note plastered on it, and you can easily identify your husband's handwriting.

I know what this trip would mean. You've talked a lot about seeing him again and making plans this time. And much as I can't deny what I feel for you, I feel like it's too late. You deserve love, ___. I hope what I can give is enough. In case it isn't, then I'm gonna have to let you go.

You scramble to open it and see the contents inside, and your heart drops at what you find - divorce papers, signed, Kim Seokjin.