The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

21

So all these years–since when?–he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens.  

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You're greeted with a large bowl of ramyeon when you enter your best friend's apartment, exciting your senses. For all the Korean ingredients at Jin's grandparents' holiday home, instant noodles is what they didn't have, and you'd been too busy at work since you got back that you hadn't thought of making it yourself.

You spent yesterday at your parents' for a day trip and it's now Sunday, your deserved day for your friends to catch up. You give Jungkook the set of essential oils you got him for his 2 dozen diffusers; Dara gets her fancy wine because she thinks she needs more sophisticated booze in her system; and Jimin is gifted with a pair of earrings that are as pretty as he is.

"Aww, ___. You didn't have to, but these are so pretty," he chirps.

"Yah, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love this but aren't you saving up to pay off your debts quicker so you can get out of that sham marriage of yours?" Dara asks.

You chuckle, missing her bluntness. "Well, I set aside money for this since I didn't want to seem pitiful to Jin. Plus, he would've spent for me if I didn't buy anything," you explain. "Also, it's not a sham marriage, okay? Just an unconventional one."

"An unconventional one with feelings," Jungkook says, slurping his soup.

You glare at him.

"What? You're not denying it," he glares back.

"Well, I'm denying it now," you state.

"That could mean refusal to admit the truth," he says.

"Or a declaration of untruth," you arch a brow. "Why are you trying to outsmart me, Kook? Jin and I had 2 weeks in France where we pretended to be in love. Sure, it wasn't hard; we sort of just had to be our usual comfortable selves with some hand holding and kissing, no big deal."

"If those plump lips touched any part of me, I'd be in love," Dara, unsurprisingly, says.

"I'm not you, so there's that," you counter.

"Fine, if you don't wanna talk about Jin, then let's talk about the other fine ass man in your life, aka Joonie boy," she says. "How was seeing him? What did you talk about other than him suggesting that you run away with him?"

You sigh, recalling that day. It feels so far away yet the scent and the touch and the sound of him still linger.

"Stuff," you shrug. "Some things can be said over the phone or written in letters and some, you just have to hear and see them, you know? He's well, doing lots of amazing things and enjoying every minute of it. He asked if Jin treats me well and I said yes, and he looked pleased. And I just talked about work and mundane things."

"Wow, years of not seeing each other and you just caught up?" Dara asks, unimpressed.

"I know," you sigh, leaning on Jimin's shoulder and hugging the pillow for comfort. "I thought maybe he'd bring up coming home or seeing how he and I could work out. But he waited until the last minute to ask if I wanted to go to Italy with him, start a life there, as if he just thought of it right before we had to part again."

"God, what is up with that man? Why can't he just make a decision?" Jimin groans.

"He did," Jungkook chimes in. "He decided to stay then, and then decided to leave, and he decides every day that whatever his life out there is better than the one he could have next to her."

"Ooh, that burns," Dara pouts.

"I keep thinking that maybe that last-second invite to elope meant he's still holding onto the rope by its edges," you say, ignoring Jungkook's statement.

"Yeah, just so he doesn't lose you completely, but he's not pulling you back in, either," he counters.

You release a long sigh and play with your fingers, which is your usual tell that you're holding back from crying, so Jimin snuggles you - the rare time you let him - and you drown in his embrace. You've been trying hard to keep your emotions at bay since you saw Namjoon, not knowing what to think or feel about seeing the man you've wanted for so long walk away again.

"Did you ask him to come back? I mean, he asked you to run away with him, but there's another option, which is him being with you, here," Dara says.

"I don't want to be disappointed so I don't ask, because he'll just say it'll be soon like he always does, and I'll wait because what else is there left to do?"

"Well, it's a good thing you didn't ask again. At least then you didn't give him a chance to make another promise he can't keep," Jimin tries to comfort you. "But you gotta be realistic, too, you know? How long will you be waiting? You've got a life here, with your husband who's a pretty great guy."

"A husband who has a girlfriend," you correct.

"Hmm, let's see how long that lasts," Jungkook says, yelping when you throw the pillow on his face.

"What! I'm just saying. You spend 2 weeks in France with your husband being all lovey-dovey and you can't tell me that neither of you are looking for that same intimacy you had there. It's not like he could get that from her daily now that you're both back," he continues. "Which brings me to my question - how have you guys been since you got back?"

"Hmm, the same I guess? We've been so busy at work, we barely see each other. We haven't had dinner for the past 3 days since he's always in meetings or probably seeing Seri and then I went to see my parents yesterday."

"And now you're here with us," Dara cocks an eyebrow.

"I miss you guys," you flutter your eyes.

"Yeah, whatever. But Kook's onto something, though. You went through college faking smiles at me so I know when it's genuine. And those photos with Jin tell me just how much fun you had with him. Who knows what he's thinking, too?" She adds. "But just to remind you, there's wedding ceremony #2 coming up. Are you ready for another night of faking? If that's still what it is?"

You disregard her last question but agree with being ready. Honestly, Jin is the one who feels quite far away from you. After 2 weeks of sleeping next to him and waking up to his soft smile, the past few days feel different.

It's not that you miss him. You definitely don't because that's just insane, but it's like reality truly hit you - you're back to living under the same roof but separately; he still has a girlfriend and there's still a man who chooses everyday to not be with you. Jin has barely spoken to you since you both got back, and there's that part of you that wonders if those 2 weeks had just been a dream, and you hate that it suddenly matters; you hate that you wish it didn't.