The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

53

It's metaphoric to think that of all the nights he needs it the most, there's no moon to be found tonight. It's probably hiding behind the clouds, just like him, who'd been buried in so many emotions these past weeks that he's dulled completely. And made you really angry and upset, too. And he admits that he deserved every single jab you made at him.

He's been so unlikable, unlovable, unbearable these past few days, and he probably hates himself just as much as you do. Or more.

He'd been so focused on the cause of the mess and hadn't thought of how it was affecting you, your relationship, and what you thought of him. Because you're who matters more than anything, and he hates to think that he'd invalidated what you experienced in the past just because he was upset and being unreasonable.

But it's been so, so hard for him in ways that he's unable to properly express. He's not used to this, having someone to talk to. He's never experienced something so disappointing and heartbreaking in his life and for the first time, he has you - the person he can be himself with, however hurt or broken he is.

You're the one who still sees him for him, who knows how to comfort him, who reminds him of all the good that he is, and he's been neglecting you, neglecting your efforts, neglecting your belief that things are going to be okay.

So he makes that nerve-racking trip up the stairs, and just like he'd done months ago after you both didn't speak for days, he stands outside the bedroom and knocks on the door.

He opens it only slightly. "I won't come in," he cautions. "And I know you told me not to speak with you but please hear me out. You don't have to say anything."

The sounds from the TV softens, so he continues.

"You're right, about everything. I haven't been myself, and I think a big part of that is because I've been neglecting you," he admits. "I feel a lot of things as I should but you... you stabilize me. You allow me to feel things but you also help me express them, manage them, get over them. And I haven't been letting you do that and I don't know why... maybe it's another one of those stupid decisions I made of trying to protect you from me."

His voice shakes, and he doesn't see it, but your tears haven't stopped falling, pretty much since you laid in bed and wished he was next to you, because fighting with him hurt you, and all you want is to hold him and figure things out together.

"The truth is... I don't know what to do, maybe that's why I'm obsessing over the stupidest things. Maybe that's why I keep arguing with you and my siblings and Yoongi who, by the way, threatened me that he'll resign if I don't get my shit together," he chuckles briefly at the memory from yesterday. "I just want that sense of control back because I feel like I got stripped away of it the moment those photos and stupid story came out."

He exhales deeply as he gets to the root cause of it, as he expresses more of what he feels and what's been hurting him all this time.

"I feel so lost, ___. Some board members have been saying that I'm not capable of managing a crisis that they claim could've been worse and that I'm nothing like my father. Some new clients have been postponing meetings with me, but they seem to be fine with meeting my brother. I don't want to lose the trust and confidence of the staff but I haven't been fully showing up and I... I need my father, ___. I need my parents to guide me and tell me what to do but they're not speaking to me. They haven't been reaching out and they haven't asked my siblings how I'm doing. And I—"

His voice breaks and you could hear him shaking, crying, and you break and cry with him.

"I need them so much but I have no face to show. I want to know if they're worried, if they're hoping I'm okay but I... I'm so scared to ask, to reach out, to know I keep disappointing them. And now I'm doing the same with you - disappointing you, hurting you, and I'm so scared I'd lose you because of that, too. I'm so sorry, ___. I need you so much. I want you so mu—"

The door opening cuts him off, and he finds you standing in front of him with the softest pout and tears streaming down your face.

"I'm here," you say. "I'm not going anywhere."

You hug him tightly to let him know just that, that you're there for him when he's happy or angry or hurting or hurtful. You're there even when he's not being himself, when he's being irrational and difficult, when he's confused and scared.

"I'm so sorry," he cries on your shoulder, as his grip tightens around you.

"It's okay, I love you," you hum.

"I made you mad and upset."

"I can be mad and upset and still love you."

"You don't like me anymore."

"I don't like you right now," you respond, turning to face him. "But I love you everyday. That's... that's what love is, Jin."

He nods, wiping your face as you wipe his.

"Let's stop crying, I want to see your face clearly," he pouts this time.

You chuckle and pinch his cheek, then urge him to take a shower to help him feel better.

He lays next to you after, refreshed, no longer crying, and for the first time in days, returning your smile.

"I'm sorry for everything I said," he says again. "And for how I've been recently. I don't like myself, either. I miss the old Jin. He was fun."

"He was," you giggle. "But this is still you - pain, anger, weakness, fear... all of it. We just have to manage it, okay? And be more of the old Jin. I like him better, too."

"And I'm sorry for what I said about Namjoon. It's okay if you still have photos of him stored somewhere. He loved and treated you well and it's important to remember that," he says.

"And that's why Seri still has photos of you," you point out. "It's hard to forget that love."

"It's hard to forget this face, too, I guess," he teases.

"Wow, you're back already? That was quick," you tease. "But that's a good sign. I've missed you so much, you know that?"

"I've missed you, too," he says, leaning in to kiss you deeply.

"Hmm, I've missed that, too," you moan a little.

"You do, huh?" He smirks, kissing you again.

"We haven't kissed like that in days. If you don't miss it, I'll be back to doubting you."

He chuckles again but pulls you closer for a longer, impassioned, and heavy kiss. It continues with content sighs and moans and ends with panting chests and heady smiles.

He tucks a strand of head behind your ear. He caresses your cheek before his hand travels south, underneath your pajama shirt where he draws patterns on your bare torso. You feel him skirting towards your chest before your breath hitches.

"I missed touching you, too," he squeezes your breast. "I missed feeling you, being close to you."

It's been a while. You point out to him that you haven't been intimate in days, too. So you take off your clothes and help him undress after.

"I've prepped us already. Please proceed," you smile.

"You just peeled us, you mean. That isn't preparation, ___."

Before you can complain, you feel his wet muscle circling around your nipple, and you know it's gonna be a long night.

You touch each other, taste each other, and when he finally slips into you, the world fades away. It's just you and him and your bodies as one, hearts beating as one, your breaths touching each other as it leaves your mouths.

You could love him all your life and still feel like it isn't enough, so you will love him everyday until it could be close to that.

That's the most you could do, you think, and that's what love is, too.

Loving them when they don't like themselves. Loving them until they do.