The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

40

You wake up the next morning still feeling tired. As has been the norm, you didn't sleep a wink last night after that exchange with your husband. It was tough hearing his voice crack, and you can just imagine how much it took for him to even talk about his feelings and even more, to support you in something that might as well cause him to lose you for good.

The bed pulls you back down, as you want to lay in here longer, but you agreed with Dara that you'd join her in her yoga class since she insists it's gonna help you clear your mind a little bit, given all that you're thinking and feeling.

You get dressed and head out, glancing at Jin's room that's surprisingly open. There's some clanking you hear and with how last night transpired, you just know that he wouldn't be leaving his door open like this.

So you walk towards it, almost tiptoeing like you're sneaking in, not wanting to scare him or anything. But instead, you find Mrs. Kang rummaging through piles of clothes on the couch.

"Hi, Mrs. Kang, is everything okay? And where's Seokjin?"

"Hi, Mrs. Kim," she bows. "Mr. Kim was called for a meeting by his father. He was in a hurry and didn't have time to look for his wallet and he asked me to look for it, uh, here."

She looks around and sighs, and even you could sense her disappointment. She's been Jin's caretaker since he was a teenager and she's mentioned so many times before how she always appreciated the elder Kim always being neat and organized. She never had to worry about misplaced clothes or personal belongings, unlike this place that's so far from the Seokjin you both know.

It's not the messiest but as per your husband's standards, this is a hellhole. Coats and trousers are hastily placed on the couch when you know he always fixes them for dry cleaning every week. His trash bin is full and some crumpled papers are on the floor when he usually empties it out every 3 days. His bed is messily unmade when he's a stiff sleeper. Yet what catches your eyes the most are the whiskey bottle and empty cans of beer on the side of his couch.

Seokjin may have a fairly high alcohol tolerance but he considers himself a casual drinker, doing it mostly during business events or dinner for the purpose of socializing. He isn't the type to drink by himself with the intent on getting drunk. And well, the sight tells you otherwise.

Mrs. Kang sighs and looks at you apologetically, though you're unsure what it is she's sorry for. She picks up the trash and you kneel to help her, but she stops you before you can continue.

"It's not your job to clean up your husband's messes, Mrs. Kim," she tells you.

"Is it not?"

"No. Your job is to love him. That's what gets his butt off the bed so he could clean up all this," she smiles, and you can't help the little giggle that escapes you.

But you turn serious when you think about what she says.

Love. It seemed so easy for him to feel that about you. You wonder if you'd just been so numb and oblivious to it that you didn't realize it was staring at you, living with you, breathing next to you.

"What if I don't? Or don't know how?" You mumble. "To love him, I mean."

"Sometimes the heart feels before the mind can process it," she says wisely. "I think that's how it is with you. Seokjin used to love so naturally, so joyfully, so deeply. It's been a while, but I've never seen him laugh or hurt this way."

You merely nod and smile, not wanting to get into this right now because you wouldn't know how to manage your emotions if they do get too much. So you turn and fix the bed, fluffing the pillows and pulling the duvet covers over them. You find Jin's wallet lodged between the bed and his night table, so you pull it out and hand it to Mrs. Kang so she can send it to your husband through Mr. Lim.