The Light of Dead Stars | KSJ

36

The moon was full last night. You think it's a silly game that the universe played on you.

How many stars does it take to light up the sky? Jin had asked when he took you to the Han River after you recovered from your infection. But all you need is one moon.

He made you think a lot then. If he'd already felt something for you that time, maybe he was trying to tell you that it could be him.

Beautiful but closer, you recall. You should've thought harder and seen through the quality time and affection much earlier; maybe it wouldn't have caught you off guard, maybe it wouldn't have hurt this much.

The truth is, you're unsure what hurt the most.

You two were going somewhere, and for a marriage built on a lie and a romance that you faked, it was quite ironic that all you wanted was for him to be honest. But that mattered a lot - you were both lying to everyone else, that's why it was important that you weren't lying to each other.

The sequence from that time you got the message from your brother, to the thought that Jin was probably still seeing Seri behind your back, to learning that he wasn't but that he still lied about her, and then finding out that he'd been in love with you this whole time... it all felt too much. Perhaps one to two would be bearable, but all of that and all at once? It was too much for your stubborn, guarded heart to take.

He looked sorry, sure, but it doesn't take away from what he'd done and what happened. How long was he going to keep it all from you? If you did reciprocate, did he plan on eventually telling you everything?

Perhaps it hurts as much because you trusted him. That's when it starts going to shit, actually - once you trust someone, you give them the power to break it. And he'd done just that. Every action of his meant something more to him, and you'd been going on unknowingly, thinking he was trying to get over Seri, without knowing there were other motives to how he'd been acting with you recently.

You release a long breath as you continue to make sense of everything and all that you're feeling, as your brother advised. You called him last night after you calmed down a bit since he'd been messaging nonstop after you hung up.

"Just give yourself time," Hoseok said. "And give him time, too. I don't know about him but it's been a while since you got into a conflict like this with somebody you cared about as more than a friend so don't rush it. You don't want to say something you'll eventually regret."

You took that to heart, which is why you decided against telling your best friends about it first since the wound is still fresh. It's also why you couldn't sleep and only realized when you woke up this morning that you left the TV on a sports channel on mute.

Your brother's right; you're quite rusty when it comes to managing personal conflicts. But then again in the past, you always made yourself small and was the one who gave way so the issue wouldn't get bigger, and that's why it was hard to stand up for yourself during the times it got too much, and why you forgave too easily, and why you buried the pain for the other person's comfort.

It took long before you could unlearn those, and it just sucks that Jin is the least deserving of this treatment, but you just find it hard right now to understand his side.

You move around the bed and hug the pillow, finding another comfortable position so you could try to fall asleep again - which is really what you plan to do all Sunday - when there's a light knock on the door.

"Mrs. Kim, it's me."

You quickly open the door to see Mrs. Kang with a tray of beef bone soup and rice, and the scent is enough to make you forget the crisis you're in even for just a short while.

"Oh, you didn't have to bring it up here," you say, taking the food from her and placing it on your desk. "I could've, uh, well..."

"I just figured that you wouldn't be leaving your room for a while after last night," she says quite shyly. "Mr. Kim hasn't left his room, too, and—"

She stops at your wide-eyed reaction. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cross a line. It's just, uh..."

"You heard us last night?"

She nods.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Kang, if we disturbed your sleep. Seokjin and I aren't in a good spot right now. But I appreciate you bringing this over, thank you."

She looks like she wants to say more but she stops herself, and you appreciate that, too. She bows and leaves you to your meal, and like you hoped, the tasty broth and soft beef brisket calm your mind and your body a little bit. It's probably already the highlight of your day and you're barely halfway through it.

Almost an hour later, you open the door to leave the tray outside, when across the hall, you see Mrs. Kang take a tray from Seokjin as well.

He sounds gruff but you hear him clearly. "Has ___ eaten?" He asks.

"I'm just about to ask for her tray back, Mr. Kim, but she looked pleased with what I prepared."

"Okay, good," he responds. "Ask her what she wants for dinner and you can prepare the same for me. We've still got beef and prawns, some scallops and squid that she might like. Thank you."

You quickly close your door and wait for the knock before you return the tray.

"What would you like to have tonight?" Mrs. Kang asks.

"Just naengmyeon," you respond. "And some boiled pork, please."

The older woman sees you glance at the door across the hall, and any fear she had last night that you and Seokjin would be over fades a little.

You still clearly care for each other, choosing the other's favorite dishes to be served because you know how much food makes you both happy. She just wishes that it wouldn't take too long for both of you to realize just how much the other cares. She hopes it's not too late for the two young people she's come to care for like her own.