awsten knight imagines

i didn't mean to love you.

word count: 1419
tw: angst, sexual themes, language

after a few moments of laying together, cuddling, awsten sat up.

"i'm gonna go take a shower. would you like to join me?" he asked me. the truth was, i'd love that. but i needed to think. i really did.

"not this time, aws. i'm not really in the mood." i told him. he just shrugged.

"alright. you know where i'll be."

awsten and i were not dating. what we had going on was closer to friends with benefits. we were just friends, but we slept together a lot and basically acted like a couple.

when i agreed to the arrangement, i hadn't expected to fall in love with him. it was the number one rule we had. we could not catch feelings. but leave it to me to do exactly that.

i knew if i told him, it would be all over. awsten made it known that he doesn't date anyone. tour makes things too tricky and it just wasn't worth the heartbreak. at the time, i understood. but of course that was before i had layed on his chest while he sang me to sleep.

i shouldn't have caught feelings. i was so stupid. i knew i had to tell him and it was going to absolutely ruin everything.

"hello? y/n?" i looked up and awsten was out of the shower with just a towel around his waist, trying to get my attention.

"sorry, i spaced out. what's up?" i replied.

"i was joking and i was asking you if you used my shampoo. i didn't realize i was almost out." he said. i shook my head.

"nope. there's no need to use color hold shampoo anyways, i haven't dyed my hair in months."

"eh, whatever. i'll just bring some more from my house."

was he honestly oblivious to the fact that i was in love with him? or was i hiding it well? i wasn't a great actress.

"are you okay? you seem really spacey." awsten asked me, sliding on a shirt. he was now fully dressed so i could look up at him. he was then putting his rings on.

"yeah, i just..." no i'm wasn't okay, and i couldn't hide my feelings anymore. even if it ruined everything, i had to put me first. "awsten, i'm in love with you."

he immediately stopped and turned to me. shit. this was not going to end well and i knew it.

"what did you just say? sorry, it sounded like you said you were in love with me for a second." awsten said, with a small laugh. i looked down guiltily.

"i'm sorry. it just happened." i told him.

"but i thought we agreed that if we were going to do this, neither of us would catch feelings. why would you do that?"

"well, i said i'm sorry. i can't control how i feel towards people, awsten."

"you shouldn't have agreed to fuck me if you were just going to catch feelings for me, y/n."

"how the fuck was i supposed to know that the lust was going to turn into love?!" by then, awsten and i were full blown arguing.

"you can't fucking love me! i'm fucked in the head, i can't commit to a relationship!" awsten yelled at me. i took a deep breath.

"so it—whatever the fuck we have—is over? not even friends?" i asked him. he stared at me for a moment.

"yeah. i guess it is. i don't think we can be friends with you being in love with me. it'll just hurt you." awsten confirmed. i nodded. hell, i saw it coming.