Hathor [18+]

Repent

Nikolai Romanov

The room has been in silence for almost an hour now. Hathor has not moved from her place and I haven't either. We haven't exchanged a word, but I can hear her crying.

Leaving her alone is not the solution nor an option, and if she needs to stay in the same position for three days, then we will be here for three days.

"Nikolai?" She sniffled.

"Yes?" I looked up from my watch.

"I'm sorry," Hathor softly said "I shouldn't have yelled at you."

A weak smile curved my lips "I deserved it — I shouldn't have said what I said. Can I join you over there?"

Hathor sniffled once again "Yes."

I got up on my feet and threw my jacket to the sofa before lying down in front of her. Her eyes are red and puffy; I've never seen her look this sad.

"I'm not angry at you," she looked down at the carpet as her fingers played with it. "I'm angry at myself because you're right...I am a fucking fool."

"You're not a fool, Hathor," I stated. "You acted like one, but that doesn't make you one."

"But I am one," she calmly spoke. "The only reason why I sleep around so much is to feel like somebody wants to have me close...I do it to get what has been denied to me at home. Everybody likes feeling proximity and warmth," her gaze raised to look at me. "My aunt is always busy, my father doesn't love me, Robert has moved on and I betrayed Scarlett," she wiped her tears away before they could leave her eyes "I don't have anyone."

"That's not true—"

"It is."

"It isn't," I insisted. "You have me, Hathor."

"I don't want to get attached to you, Nikolai," Hathor stated with a shaky voice. "One day you will leave as well...eventually, everybody either leaves or I push them away."

I frowned "Even if our professional relationship were to end one day, that doesn't mean we are going to stop being friends, Hathor; you know things about me that I haven't told anyone."

"Don't make promises you won't be able to keep," she turned on her side to give me her back.

I moved closer to her and hesitantly traced her arm from her shoulder to her wrist "I sometimes use markers to paint my tattoos," I confessed, "it makes me feel like little innocent Nikolai all over again."

Hathor didn't move or say anything.

"I don't ever entirely show my softer side because I'm scared it will ruin this hard façade I've built to protect myself," I disclosed. "I'm scared people will think I'm weak for being sensitive and they'll stop loving me for it. Before joining the military, I was so secure in my sensitivity but they taught me to be ashamed of it, so now I am terrified by the idea of showing my soft side and people judging me for it."

Hathor's hand reached for mine, though she stayed giving me her back, and I intertwined our fingers "Being sensitive around other people is the strongest thing a person can do; you should never be ashamed of it."