The Innocuous Memories

Therapy Session 004

RAENI

Lorelai is a big part of my life. She is one of the many friends I have that I would actually die for.

I don't know what the switch was calledbut it was more of a realization on my part and not Lorelai's. She just helped and contributed to the realization. It sounds bad but it changed me for the better.

"You and Lorelai ended up going to this event?" He asks and I nod my head softly.

He takes a deep breath in and writes more down on his clipboard. He takes down a page and places it upside down on the table. I glance down at the page, my hands twitch in my lap. I glance back up and he smiles a little. I smile back at him and look down.

"Can I?" He asks again and I nod my head, not knowing what he wants to do. "Why did you feel as though Ms Campbell was not as excited as you?"

Why did I? I have no clue. I think because she wasn't acting the same as me.

"She wasn't worried about what dress to wear or what she would say to him, as you would?"

My lips part slightly in shock. I lick them and dig my nails into my palm.

"Often times, people who have been together for a while start to mirror each other and nine times out of ten, they'll notice. What happens is then you expect them to act a certain way, like you."

I clench my jaw as my nails dig deeper into my palm. I let go but don't look down to them because I don't want to know what I've done to my palm. He notices and reached under the table for something. He pulls it back out, holding a stress ball. He throws it to me and I catch it.

"You don't notice that you want them to act this way so, what happened in the switch was, you subconsciously realized that you are trying to push yourself onto her so you left."

"No, I would never force myself on her." I defend but it seems futile. He is head on to what he is saying.

"So, Lorelai caused this switch?" He asks me. I shake my head and look down at my crossed legs.

"She wasn't the cause but she did help push me into the realization." I say honestly. His hand rubbed against his chin.

"What about Derek?"

"What about him?" My head perked up at the sound of his name. A small chill cascaded down my spine.

"Did he contribute to 'the switch'?" Gosh, is that what we were calling it?

"I don't know." I whispered and he didn't say anything, he just looked at me. Like really looked at me.

His scrutinizing gaze was heavy on my soul. He didn't stop looking at me even when I countered his gaze. We sat in a silence that wasn't awkward but so silent that I was bound to make it awkward.

"You do know." He finally spoke out. I blinked.

He knows why but he's not letting me know. I should figure out for myself. I should know whether or not my ex husband contributed to the switch. I wouldn't know if it hit me in the head. I never knew anything when it came to Derek. It's sort of like I have this block whenever he comes up: I don't want to know anything about him or me when I was with him.

"Let's not dwell on that day, take me back to your childhood."

"I wouldn't know where to start." I didn't want to speak about it. I never liked speaking of my childhood.

"Start from the beginning."