The Innocuous Memories

Therapy Session 006

RAENI

"Inspiration came easily. A small plant could inspire me to paint up a whole garden. A person could do the same thing."

We have been speaking about my hobby of painting so much that I doubt it's for the session anymore. I won't complain because I love speaking about art. I am mentioning it in my head because of his alterior motives that he might have. I don't want him getting close to me, knowing the inner workings of my heart. I cannot simply just forget and forgive. Maybe forgive but never forget the things done to hurt me.

"Often times patients with your background don't adapt easily to life. Many fall through or resort to an easier life. Yours sounds...exciting." He seems genuinely interested and shocked that I didn't fall to drugs after everything.

I believe that I am just lucky. Just blessed to have the sustainable lifestyle to not turn to drugs and alcohol. I'm blessed by my higher power, God and His eternal love for me. I will forever be grateful that I don't led a life that wasn't for me, from Him. Eternally grateful.

"I have my days." I answer honestly.

"Of excitement?" He smiles.

"And sadness." I add, making him furrow those bushy eyebrows I see in my daughter as well.

I don't want to admit it but this is nice. Letting everything out that was bottled in. He isn't judging me or giving me advice. He's just listening. I don't need advice right now. I needed it then. I'm glad he didn't give me advice on how to carry on my life now that my ex husband is dead. It's no use.

"I read somewhere here that you had another friend. Jade Pham." He changes the subject to go back to the session intended. The session that my husband is paying for.

Reporting back to his protocol.

"Ah, yes. Jade..." I sigh. Remembering the forgotten tears my heart apart.

Jade. Her hair was as dark as midnight and silky. It draped down to her butt, so tick it covered her tiny body with warmth. Jade had pale skin that got bruised easily so she was constantly healing a wound on her legs or arms. She wore mostly black because she hated the colorful clothing. She never wore makeup, just blush. Her eyes were so brown, almost poop brown, so dark. She had the Kubrick stare naturally, her main face was always mean. She laughed with her head tilted back. Whenever she smiled, her nose scrunched up. Jade used to smort but slowly stopped because she wasn't laughing anymore. Jade never used to do the things she did, she frowned upon them so when they came to light, I was shocked.

"She's still my friend." Even though she dissapeared on us. Bless my heart if I ever tell this story one more time.

"Why the use of the past tense?" He asks, crossing his legs at the ankles. I lift my eyebrows and set it down. I inhale and take a comfortable position on the sofa.

This is going to be a long story.