The Innocuous Memories

❦︎ Therapy Session 011 ❦︎

RAENI

"Was it bad that cried for him? He hurt me, manipulated, deceived me and I still cried for him?"

"You still loved him. Quite common in most cases of abuse. You still had the sense of comfort but don't take the crying as a sign of going crazy over him. Many others would harm themselves as they felt it was their fault that their abuser died after they left."

My chest tightened with emotion.

"I was weak." I nod my head, keeping the tears back as I remember how fragile and vulnerable I got after hearing about his death.

"You had your moment." He quickly says. "Everyone has moments of weakness and vulnerability, that they aren't used to, when a loved one passes on."

Something somber and blue passes through his eyes. Sadness? A small reflection of the emotion I was burdened with at the passing of Derek's funeral. He looked like he was reminiscing through me. Maybe because I look like her. Remind him of her.

"Quite commonly, I see patients coming and going. I get asked questions like, 'why is my being hurting at the memory of their death?' The only answer I have for that is love. Love makes people do crazy things, act in ways they've never acted in before. Love makes us passionate and so when you felt that hurt and...pain in your heart, was because you still had an attachment to him. You were still his wife mentally."

He crossed a leg over.

"You remember when you said that the friend of your friend had opened the door abruptly and you were frightened?" I nod my head. "That was your subconscious still thinking of Derek and how he arrives home late."

I get back to twisting my ring, hoping the session would be over soon.

"When you were jealous, anytime throughout the story, you quickly realized how much you've incorporated Derek's behavior. You realize how much his behavior doesn't propergate for your wellbeing but time and time again you still went and did many of the things he did."

I dip my brows to the center of my forehead and cross my leg as well.

"So that's the issue you're dealing with. Physically, anyone can see that you've healed. Scars are faded and you're glowing. Emotionally, you've matured into the being you've suffocated whilst still with Derek. Mentally, you're still there."

"I don't understand."

"No matter how hard you try, you will make mistakes and that's your issue, you don't want to. You always think 'Derek did this' 'Derek did that' and 'Derek never did this' 'Derek never did that'. In time, what you don't realize is, you will mentally spiral into this notion that 'I have to be better than Derek and I can't do any mistakes'. I'm going to tell you now, and honestly. You will make mistakes, you have to. It's a part of growing and healing properly."

I nod my head, understanding him perfectly. It just still doesn't sit right with me. How must I go on about my life and hurt people? Hurt them because I was hurt and I want to heal?

"The phrase 'hurt people, hurt people' only applies to those who don't want to heal." He says, answering my internal monolog. "Those who find it meaningless to evolve as a human. You want to heal and become better but in order to do so, you have to make mistakes. Allow yourself the privilege to learn. At this rate, all you're doing to customizing yourself to the settings of the people around you. If you want to make friends and be the social butterfly you were meant to be, stop memorizing and start learning."

"What if I hurt them?" I feel too much, I will feel bad, maybe worse, if I hurt someone. Even in the slightest bit.

"Apologize and learn from that experience." I noticed that his clipboard was blank. "The night that thus big secret came out and you found incriminating evidence on his laptop, how did you react?"

"In anger." He doesn't know the gravity of this secret and how much it's impacted our lives.

"Locking yourself in a room? Ignoring him and stomping around the house mad? Deflecting from your own secret by making his even bigger? Not letting him touch you? Sound familiar?" He had a small smile plastered on his face.

I gasped softly, realizing that I was being Derek. I made Stef feel small and unheard that night, and I didn't even realize it. I made him feel the way I felt all those other nights that Derek and I had a fight.

"Have you ever done that after that night?"

Many times.

"Yes." I inhale deeply. "I didn't know that...it was..."

"That's okay."

No, it's not. Now I realize that I've been treating a lot of people badly, and I didn't know that.