Not that bad // Rhea Ripley

63- California

"Rip my heart off, pull it out of my chest"

Yungblud

I just landed in New York, and was searching for the guys in the crowd. I feel like my whole life revolves around searching people in airports. Right after I leave from here, I'll go back to Tampa and pack my things. Yeah, I agreed to go live with Colby, in Iowa. He's actually planning on opening a Wrestling school with an old friend of is, that is in the indie scene. I'll be spending New Year's Eve with him and his family, and that was quite frankly stressing me out. But anyways, for now, I had to concentrate on my best friends, to actually find them. I spotted Luke, I think. That guy is so tall, thank God. I walked fast to him, and tapped his shoulder.

" Hey Roxanne !" He yelled, making the others turn around. "Want me to help carry your bag ?"

" I'll be fine Luke, but thanks!" I smiled. "Can we get out, there's too many people here."

We left the airport and piled up in their bus. Wait, their bus ?

" Since when do you guys have a bus ?" I asked, laughing.

" Since we're superstars baby." Ashton winked at me. " If you may. There's a bunk for you, the last one on the left, the bottom one."

I walked to the bunk he indicated me, and looked at him for approval, to which he nodded. I put my bag in this bunk, and then went back with the others.

" I didn't know you guys had become superstars." I teased.

" Well, you're actually the one who's becoming a superstar, aren't you ?" Ashton asked. "If it's still how they're called."

"Yeah it is." I blushed. "And yeah, I'll officially be one by the end of January."

" This is awesome like" Michael started. "You're going to be famous, and on tv, and oh my god."

" Calm down Mikey!" I punched him lightly. "I wont be on the main shows yet, I'll be joining a roster called ECW."

" Isn't that the same roster as Phil ?" Calum asked, and I looked down. "Have you got any news from him since when you went to Florida the first time?"

" I actually texted him to tell him I wanted us to be on friendly terms again like 2 weeks ago." I sighed. "I just never got an answer."

So that's where we were now. 3 or 4 years back, we were lovers, then we parted, we became best friends again, on the verge of being a couple for the second time, and now we are strangers to each other, once again. Is that how it is supposed to go ? Just circles, again and again. To be honest, I'm tired of that. I love Phil with all I have, but I don't think that he cares, and that's destroying me slowly, but surely.

" Sorry to have brought up that subject." Calum apologizes. "You miss him ?"

" Yeah, a bit." I admitted. "But it doesn't seem like he does so ..." I caught my breath before tearing up. "It's okay, I still have you guys, and that's the most important. And I have Colby too, and Scott, I'm not alone, I'll be fine."

They engulfed me in a group hug, until the bus stopped, and the driver told us we were at the venue. We left the bus, and entered the arena. I was beyond shocked of the size of the venues they were headlining now. They have grown so much over the years, and I'm so proud of them. I tell them that almost everyday, but fuck.

" Will you be sidestage tonight ?" Luke asked.

" Tonight and every night I get to be with you." I winked. "I'm only leaving New York when you do. And if I got it right, you have shows tonight, tomorrow night on Christmas eve, but no shows on the day after ?"

" Yeah, you got it right." He smiled.

The shows were awesome, really, the more I see them play, the better they are. I teared up like 2 or 3 times watching them play, and basically do what they live for. That's cliché but they don't do music for a living, they live to play music. During the break before the encore I couldn't stop complimenting them, and when they wen back on that stage, under the crowd's cheer, I broke down in tears. A sudden wave of uncertainty and doubts washed over me, and I felt like drowning. Anxiety always decided to hit in at the worst moments, and that was one of them. I had to leave to a less crowded and quieter place, where I just sat down on the grass, and hugged my knees. I gather the strength to type a quick message to the chat, saying I was getting fresh air and I'd join them after. Since the boys know me, they'll probably get what "fresh air" means. I don't really know what got into me, but seeing them on that stage made me wonder about a lot of things. I just don't know if I should've left home anymore. Maybe I should've stayed, and then what happened with Mikey and Luke wouldn't have happened, maybe I'm just a bad friend. I'm afraid that when I finally go to WWE after dreaming of it for long, I'll be crushed. I'll be crushed by the responsibilities, the work, the hopes and expectations. Maybe it won't be like I had imagined at all, maybe I'll hate the place and everyone who works there. Maybe I'll like them but they'll hate me. Maybe Phil hates me. Maybe I'm not made for this and should just give up.

" Roxanne ?"

I lifted my head at the quiet voice. My breathing was a little bit calmer now, but hot tears were still streaming down my face, uncontrollably.

" Are you okay ?" Luke asked, in a really soft voice. I could only nod. "Do you want me to leave, or call someone else ?" I just shook my head no, and tried to get up, but feeling dizzy straight away. "Come on, let me help."

He grabbed my hand and helped me on my feet, letting me lean against him until I was fully steady. I wiped the tears away and smiled at him.

" Thank you Luke."

" It's okay." He just said. "I'll just tell the guys you're okay, alright?" Once again I just nodded. "And we'll calmly go back to the bus." We walked a few meters before he started again. "Also Roxanne, I never got to apologize for what happened at last year's New Year's Eve." My breath hitched. "I really wanted to kiss you, that wasn't a mistake, and if you weren't with Colby, I'd happily do it again. The fact is, I was too scared to even consider a long distance relationship, and too much of a coward to face you at the airport. There was never another girlfriend, I made that all up." He looked down. "I'm sorry, it's been so long, but I like you a lot, you're an absolutely awesome friend, and I don't want to lie to you anymore."

" Thanks for being honest Luke." I said quietly. "You're forgiven don't worry, I'm not too big on long distance things either."

When we arrived to the bus, I had to reassure the 3 others, saying I just went through an existential crisis, and that everything is fine now. Come to think of it, I don't regret leaving solely for the fact that if I never left, the band wouldn't be where it is today.