Letters to Love

Letter 11

Love,

The brightest stars in the universe attract the darkest of black holes. The sweetest souls tend to rot from the negativity that surrounds them. The misery craves the marvels of joy that are present in those who have cut their ties with the sorrow that builds upon the already miserable soul. The dark eyes that once held my soul have come and gone and yet I still find myself looking through those windows. A love I thought was you turned to be something so sinister I never thought to see coming. See, those eyes were the brightest I had ever looked upon, the windows to a soul that I thought too was bright. I was wrong. This unfortunate misunderstanding of what I thought love could be, sent me spiraling out of touch. This is not a current situation but one that has plagued me for many years before this letter. I find that it is important to uncover the origins of my behaviors and heal them for what they are. Pain is okay, feelings need to be felt, good or bad. They demand closer that you cannot find from another but only within yourself. Love, knowing you has allowed me to heal those gashes that once left my soul tattered and unsustainable. But there is such sweet sorrow in truly knowing you.

Nobody told me that knowing you would be painful. I have been lied to about who and what you are for all of my time in this plane of existence. I thought I found you. I thought I saw you in him. I thought you glowed brighter than ever and that was what you were. But it was a lie. He was everything I didn't want, everything I tried to stay away from. Everything I was told not to be and yet... there you were, taunting me, asking me to bite the hook that would pull me out of the water I needed to survive. It was as if you were trying to kill me. There you were, at the forefront of the adventure I called him. Except you weren't you. In fact you were the exact opposite of what you were supposed to be. You hurt me, you deceived me and forced me into a life I did not want to live, a life I would not have chosen to live. You are a lie, Love. I thought I could trust him, and if not him, at the very least I thought I could trust you. He did not hurt me, you did, and for that I will never forgive you.

Some part of me died that day. A part of myself I would not even realize was missing until it was much too late. Self care after self care, healing and healing and healing and even more healing after that. And still I find myself awake at night thinking about how the truth will never unravel itself, that I am in this alone and nobody can truly soothe the constant pain that I am in. As my mama always said, "everywhere you go, there you are," and there you truly are, hiding behind the face of Love. On the wrong side of that coin that I never meant to flip. I see you, Pain. Sorrow. Suffering. A feeling re-lived every single time my brain decides to wander off into the deepest realms that I so very wish to forget. There you lie, a stain on my heart, a measly insignificant wrinkle in my brain; but somehow, despite my efforts you push your way through to the forefront of my mind. I wish to never feel what you are. I wish to let go of this imposter of a feeling that claims to be you, Love.

I know this will pass and you will find your way back through the forest of forget and back into your rightful place in my heart. This is but one mistake on my journey to forever, he is but one side quest in my adventure to you. I know you are there and I know you are meant for me as I am for you. The courage to fight to get to you is all that matters. I know it was not you that hurt me, but the pain in somebody else that had nowhere else to go. Forgive me, find your way back to me, our journey is not over.

-P ♡