Letter 16

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Love,

I can feel a shift in the universe. It's almost like nothing is real right now. Everything feels like it's floating, up in the air, out of my hands. I am completely out of control. One thing after another everything is slowly slipping away from me inside of my own brain. I don't know if it's just that point in the year when seasonal depression hits, kinda feels too early for that. I don't think this is a setback in any way, I think it's just important to note.

Maybe I'm just homesick, afterall I haven't seen mama since I moved here, all the food is different, the people are different. The way I act, dress, talk even, my accent is different. It's not like I wanted any of it to change. It just kinda happened, different weather means different clothes, different stage in my life means I'm bound to change some aspect of my personality, different region and culture with a different accent, why wouldn't I pick it up a little? I think what's really getting to me is that I feel like I'm being fake. All of these changes with healing and loving who I am is ironically turning me into a different person in a way. Maybe not a different person at the core, maybe I am just becoming who I was suppressing all of these years. Nonetheless I feel like I'm just constantly lying to everybody about who I am. I know I'm not but I am still getting to know myself. One way or another I am a different person, and it's not a bad thing. It's okay to break the ties from negative energy that no longer serves me. I am allowed to be selfish with my own healing. I am allowed to leave environments that don't help me grow. My life and my healing is not about anybody but myself. I love who I am and I am comfortable on my own. I do not need others to be happy. The sweetest happiness is the one I have found within myself out of my own love. The false feeling of happiness that I felt once before was pure lies. I am beginning to know who I am now. I know what love is supposed to be, how it's supposed to feel. I now know my worth and how I deserve to be loved, how I need to be loved.

Thank you, Love, for giving me the means to find myself.

-P ♡

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