Letters to Love

Letter 13

Dad,

The thirteenth floor, the unluckiest. One that everybody chooses to ignore even though it so logically remains under the mask of the number 14. The thirteenth letter. One that I cannot ignore. One that I would like to not uncover. This letter belongs in the depths of my mind. While mama played a large role in being there, you played an equal part in being absent. The only time you were prevalent in my life is when mama cashed that check once a month. This is not something I can ignore any longer. I tried so hard while growing up to love you. I idolized the man I thought you were. But never, until now, actually knew the man you had become. You were my hero. I know the divorce was just as hard on you as it was mama but I can't help but think you were relieved to not have to raise children by yourself. Mama did all the heavy lifting, all the punishments and rewards, all the ceremonies that were landmarks in my life, all of the birthdays where we never heard a thing from you but a half assed call and a giftcard every once in a while.

I can't say that you were a bad dad, because you weren't, in all reality you weren't ever a dad in the years between the divorce and when I moved in with you. So how could you be a bad one? Even now you push me away, wanting me to experience life for myself. I can forgive you for the lack of what happened in my childhood, I can't let it weigh on my soul. I know it was new for you too, a divorce involving kids. I know you probably were doing the best you could but when there was and is room to improve, you did not seize that opportunity. The wounds that I suffer are not from your doing but I am your child nonetheless and a part of that responsibility of a parent is to help when at all possible and I have only felt like I am the thirteenth floor in your life. One that you don't want to face. One that is masked by another number that is so clearly incorrect. I do love you, dad. I will heal in spite of your lackluster efforts.

-P ♡