Letters to Love

Letter 12

Mama,

Throughout the string of yarn that is my life, it seems that you have worked so determinately to tangle everything so tightly together that I cannot unravel it by myself. Over the past couple years I have been working to undo the knots that you tied so meticulously and hid under tangles that were so much harder to undo. You have hidden the end of my yarn of life so deeply in the knots that you have created in me that I cannot find the end. I know you only knew so much and raising me, I don't blame you for the way that you were raised. I do, however, think you have to take responsibility for the things that you did. In no way am I saying you were or are a bad mother, that much I need to be clear. Our story is one that not everybody can relate to and I know that. In my journey to healing you are one of the most prominent aspects that I do not want to unpack. The pain that lies beneath those knots that you have wound so tightly upon one another I cannot determine where any one knot ends and another begins. I feel that in the loss of self I experienced when trying to live that tangled life was a pillar moment in my life that I will live with forever. This is not to say that I am unable to unravel my soul into coherence but that I deserve to be more than simply unraveled. The part of my life that was lost to the tangle needs to be lived. I lost my childhood to the tangle, my inner child needs healing and I am so determined to heal. I deserve this. I know you didn't mean the pain which you inflicted upon me but it still lingers in my heart as I unravel the tangle you have tainted me with.

I love you, mama. I do. Our relationship has grown so far since I was younger. I just wish I didn't have to completely lose my sense of self in order to regain my soul from your grasp. I know now that nothing that came from you was intentionally malicious but as a young child who knew nothing else I cannot help but feel that you did not know what it was like to be loved. That you did not know what it was like to love. In the grand sense of things I feel like you used me for that fulfillment but it was never enough. The love you were lacking does not come from another person. It flourishes within your core and blossoms into what love is meant to be. Beautiful. Powerful. Strong. I see it in you because at one point we were one in the same. Cut from the same cloth but not built from the same star dust that created our souls. This is the part of my journey where we are not the same, the moment where I decide it is time to branch off from the trauma that this blood line has been spiraling in for generations. I decide now to create my own path of love and light, the path that I had no idea I so desperately needed when I was younger. I know seeing my children grow up in the household that I needed, the one that I built for myself, for the betterment of my future and the end of the generational trauma that plagues this family. I am determined more than anything to heal from the tangle that you have created. And when I accomplish this I will thank you. I know you because I know myself. I can heal, you are more than capable, Mama. Everything I am is because of you, good and bad. I am not ashamed of any part of my life. The dark moments only make the bright ones shine that much brighter. I will be successful in this journey and I have so much more hope that you will unravel your own tangle that was bestowed upon you by the generation before. This is the game of life, and I refuse to run the same path as those who came before me. A new path will be made and healing our history will embark at the birth of self love I will instill in those who I reach with these letters. I hope one day you find the love I have for you within yourself. There is no sweeter love than self love. No greater joy than contentment with being alone. I love you, mama. 

-P ♡