JADE (young justice/robin)

38. mercy

Pacific Ocean
March 25, 21:28 HAST

Every year, for two days, Shiva would let me have a mirror in my room. It was large and golden framed; the only thing that could remind me of who I was. Of what this shell I called my body actually looked like to my few peers. I'd begin to understand Shiva's complaints over my build; how my shoulders were too narrow or my legs too gangly to possess enough strength. More than that, every time the mirror came back, I found myself staring into the eyes of a stranger.

I used to try to find myself in my sister's appearance; to fantasize that what she looked like must have been what I looked like too. But the first time Shiva rewarded me the mirror, I questioned if Bubs and I were even related. I expected to see some variation of Bub's thick brown curls matching dark auburn eyes, her well tanned complexion and peachy lips, or maybe her captivating smile flashing straight, pearly teeth. I looked nothing like that. My hair wasn't brown or curly, rather deep black and painfully pin straight. I looked sickly, dark circles beneath my eyes even if I wasn't tired. If I looked close enough I had beige flecks all around the bridge of my nose and eyes that matched wet pavement. I tried smiling once only to realize I didn't know how. My thin lips didn't know how to curl up the way Bubs did, and my teeth weren't perfect like hers. One was chipped at the bottom from the time Shiva hit me with a wooden board as punishment. The two at the top were disproportionately large compared to the rest. They also weren't perfectly white like my sister's.

Studying my appearance, I realized why Shiva didn't like for me to see myself. How vanity and desire corrupts the mind. Then, after forty-eight hours, Shiva would take the mirror back and I'd spend the next year forgetting that girl in the mirror.

But tonight, the mirror made me cry.

A hit had been placed on Arthur Pinnock, an arms dealer and father to two boys and a girl. I didn't feel bad about that part; the dynamics of blood relations tended to elude me most of the time. But understanding violence didn't.

It was such a messy kill. A katana right through the chest before he could even attempt to defend himself. His blood felt warm, splattering from his body across my face and hands. I must've hit an artery, because the blood flow just didn't seem to stop. But eventually, that familiar distant look appeared in his eyes and his body stopped struggling.

I crawled into my room through the window, coming face to face with my reflection. I could see the blood smeared across my unappealing appearance. How it had dried brown onto my skin, crusted beneath my fingernails and all over the katana fixed to my back. For a few minutes, I pulled the goggles up, staring at my eyes that began to water. The tears dripped from dull colored eyes into uneven freckles beneath them, then rolled down the rest of my pale face.

Why am I crying?

I continued staring at myself, growing more conflicted. Pinnock's death didn't sadden me. Death didn't sadden me at all. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is sadness.

"Ace!" Chesh burst into my room, and tears ceased as quickly as they had started. Immediately I pulled the goggles back down, and turned on my heel, straight faced, silent as always.

Chesh wasn't one to lose composure, but her whole face was struck with panic. "It's Bubs."

Immediately, Chesh sprinted us back into the courtyard where dozens of Shadows were already crowded around something. I had to push past all of them only to find Shiva stood in the middle, her sword drawn.

"Ah, I'm glad you've arrived," her eyes found me, lowering her sword because she knew nobody on this island was a real threat to her. "Your sister has broken an oath. Now she must answer for her crimes."