JADE (young justice/robin)

52. stasis

Blüdhaven
October 13, 20:49 EST

"Just tell me what's wrong."

"Everything's wrong," I faltered. "This." I pointed between us. "I don't understand it and when I try, I feel scared. And Miles is gone, and I hate being Batgirl. And I failed, and I keep failing. And I hate everything that I'm doing. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be here anymore."

He pulled me into his arms. "I... What should I do?"

I sucked up my emotions. I can't keep doing this: needing him. I've needed him since I was fourteen, but look what it's done to us. We're exhausted, and I'm unfixable. "Nothing."

"If there's something I can say—"

"Don't," I pulled away from him. "Don't say anything. Don't do anything."

"You want me to just stand here?"

"Why are you here?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Why did you come back?" I didn't care to know, but asking was my best chance at pushing him away. I'd ruined us once, and so many more times beyond that. Soon, he might be unfixable too. I have to let him go, even if I failed to do so before. "Why show up at the rink?"

"Because I wanted to see you." His brow furrowed. "I thought that we should give a shot at fixing this."

"What's there to fix, Dick?" I scoffed. "What's changed so much that this time will be different?"

"I-I don't know... I thought that, maybe, you'd be in a better place now. That both of us would be."

"But I'm not," I said firmly. "I'm not in a better place. I never will be in a better place. I am stuck like this, and you will be waiting for that to change until you feel exhausted again."

"You said the same thing when you were using," he argued. "You said that you'd never be able to stop, and that I'd be waiting for you to get clean for forever, but it still happened."

"Yeah, and some fucking difference it made."

His expression changed into a more stern one. An angry one even. "I have never thought, for a single second, that loving you wasn't worth it. You're so convinced you're broken, that I was making some attempt at fixing you. I just wanted to be with you! I wanted to enjoy my fucked up life with my girlfriend, even if she was going through a lot because I knew that we would get through it together. But..." he frustratedly searched for the words, "God, Carter, it's like you don't even want to try! You convince yourself that things are miserable and that they're always going to be miserable, but they're not. And I want to show you that, but I don't even know how anymore."

I... didn't know what to do. Part of me thought I should defend myself. That I should argue feeling miserable wasn't a choice, and if it were up to me I would have avoided ever becoming addicted, so my sense of happiness couldn't be warped. I could experience friendship and romance, and even winning the fucking olympics without this numb glaze coating my body. The other part of me wanted to fall into his arms and beg for forgiveness. Tell him I'm sorry for being so difficult, and that I know getting better is possible, I'm just too impatient. My life feels too short to wait.