Closest To Heaven That I'll Ever Be. *Complete*

20. No More Hiding

I open the door on the tiny little cottage. A place I had not visited in years. It was father and grandfather's little fishing cabin. They used to come here at least once a month for a father, son getaway. 

Sometimes, they would even let me tag along as I got older. Apparently, when I was 7 years old, I disappeared for a few hours, off exploring in the surrounding woods. Neither my father nor my grandfather could find me. 

They were apparently frantic searching everywhere. I have no real recollection of what happened but my father says that apparently I befriended a deer who led me back to the cabin and after that I insisted on coming every month to visit and spend time with Amelia. That's what I called her. 

When my parents died, my grandfather boarded up the cabin, saying he didn't want to visit here without my dad. And so it has sat empty ever since. 

I waved my wand and ripped off the wooden planks over the front door. I set up enchantments around the cabin so no one would be able to find me. I stepped into the cabin and was greeted by about 3 inches of tick dust over everything. A few quick spells managed to spruce the place up, and a fire was lit as well as candles. 

It took about 5 minutes, and the cabin looked like it was lived permanently. 

Only when the place was heated and cosy did I allow myself to break down. And break down I did. I have no real memories of my time, but I know I arrived at the cabin on Tuesday at about lunchtime. I had had two nights here by now, so it had to be at least Thursday... I think.

At first, I cried. I cried for what I said, anyone I had hurt, and then from embarrassment. Then I sobbed. I sobbed over the fact that I almost ruined Ginny and Pansy's happiness by allowing Harry and Theo to get close. Then the sobbing turned to wailing as I realised that I had lost Draco before I even had him. 

I knew that I had feelings for Draco. But it wasn't until after maybe a full 38 hours of sobbing that I was finally able to admit the full extent of how much I cared for him. I was falling for him. Which made what I had done. What I had to do back in Hogsmeade even more heartbreakingly painful. 

But I knew I had done the right thing. I could never steal him from someone else. It was wrong to allow myself to fall for him. So wrong. How could I be such a bitch? How could I bloody let myself do that?

I hated myself.

I had worked hard the last few years to become a person that I wanted to be. Someone who cared for everyone, wasn't prejudice and treated everyone with respect. And what had I done? Met Astoria once and then proceeded to flirt and carry on with her boyfriend. Someone she was planning on building her life with. 

I deserved to be alone. I deserved to feel this pain. 

I did feel bad that I left without telling anyone where I went. I am sure they are worried. I didn't mean to just, disappear, but I knew what would have happened. I would have apparated home and may have been on my own for a few hours, but then Pansy would arrive back and ask me questions that I wasn't ready to answer. Laurie and Daphne would have been called, and I would have been even more embarrassed, then I would have had to retell it, and they would have looked at me full of pity. 

It's what friends do. And I knew these girls I may have only been their friend for 6 months, but that was enough to get a grasp of their personalities. Laurie would have opened a bottle of wine as she thought alcohol should be used to solve all of life's problems as it made us honest. Daphne would have been torn. Torn between being a sister to Astoria and a friend to me and Draco. I know she thinks that Draco and Astoria do not make a good couple, but she would not want to see her sister upset.