Bound by force (Bind her#1)

Chapter- 23

The days pass by in a blur.

I feel as if I am still stuck in the past. In those horrible moments where I was drugged, abused, and manipulated in the worst ways possible. Some memories that manage to sneak in past the hazy cloud of my mind make me shiver in terror. And the more I remember, the more I feel like receding further inside the protective shell I had created around myself.
       At times I wished for the drugs that had mingled with my blood, for at least they had numbed my body against the abuse and shielded my mind, keeping me oblivious to the mental torture being inflicted upon me. Is this what drug addicts feel? Craving of the sensation of that numbness, making you feel like you're protected against the darkness presiding in the world.

Amongst these haunting memories was a silver lining in the name of Nikolai. Most of my time while I was held captive was nothing but a blur of distorted memories, yet for some reason unknown to me, the small, stolen moments with him were the most vivid. At the moment, when I am with the one who brought despair in my life, reminiscing those moments has become my solace. Was I attached to him? Maybe. Did I have feelings for him? I don't know. Not anymore. Not when my mind is barely grasping the strings of reality.
         I had no idea what was going on anymore. It was frustrating and vexing, but I couldn't control my raging emotions. I didn't even know if they were real; if they were mine or made up by my mind in order to survive... to have some false hope that all was not lost.

What I did know was that I clung to those memories as if they were my oasis.

Maybe I was holding onto them because he was the only one who had treated me like a human in a long time. The memory of his Prussian blue eyes, perpetually carrying an underlying concern beneath their icy façade, haunts me relentlessly. Those final moments claw their way to the forefront of my thoughts, and a strange pang pierces my chest. I had refused to think about those lingering touches, the aching and desperate eyes that had looked into mine so forlornly, solely because I was scared of the way they made me feel. There was always a subtle ache in my chest that refused to leave me alone and only increased tenfold whenever I dared to think about that time. For a moment, I wished he had taken me away and set me free, forgetting that I had lost all freedom the moment I was forcibly taken into this world.

Slumping against the tree, I gazed at the blue sky, which filled me with bitterness. I hated how bright it looked while I was slowly getting engulfed in the shadows that I had tried to fight so desperately.

The only thing that I could do now was get stronger because feeling sorry for myself would lead me nowhere except towards my grave. I had to get at least strong enough to play their games so that I could survive without becoming the passive doll he was training me to be. I didn't know if I would succeed, but I knew that I would regret it if I didn't try.
         Now that my body was finally showing signs of healing, my training would also start soon. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't look forward to it. I finally had something to occupy my mind. It was much better to let my muscles ache than drown myself in my thoughts because my mind would kill me first before anyone else did.

"Miss White," I jumped a little in surprise when I heard a voice calling my name, "Ms. Müller, came." Winola, who was assigned to me, informed while bowing her head since she wasn't allowed to look at me.
        None of the staff members were allowed to look at me. Just like they were not allowed to talk to me. Yeah... the other day, I came to know that, albeit broken, everyone in this giant mansion could speak basic English.

Taking the offered hand, I get up, and as I walk toward my prison, I try to talk to her, but as always it becomes a one-sided conversation, where she walks behind me with her bowed down, saying nothing. But without getting discouraged, I keep rambling about nothing in particular because this was my only respite. Not having anyone except him for my daily conversations would make me lose my mind.