FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

Where it all begins

I promise you, I will lift a corner of the veil on my life here. For the moment I don't feel strong enough to say more about certain parts. Maybe it will come as I go along...As a child, I was more of a Michelin man and surrounded by people. I grew up thinking that the more I listened to the people around me, the more I would be loved and protected. I was wrong!First slap in the face; Mum and Dad are at home. I am five or six years old. They are in each other's arms. I see them and feel so much love that I run to put my arms around them. Then Dad gets angry and tells me to leave them alone. With my adult eyes I understand him. But I still feel the sense of rejection that hit me hard at the time.It's strange how insignificant moments can remain engraved in us like a brand. Let's move on.Next slap; all those games with my brother and sister who tell me I'm too small to play with them. But I can make myself useful by bringing them something to drink and snack on. And there you have it; if I'm helpful then I belong with the people I love or want to be loved by. Not a crazy wasp.I continue to grow up with this pattern, which is reinforced by my Catholic upbringing and is still ingrained in me today. If you get picked on, you must have done something wrong.Mum teaches me to keep my head down, not to make waves. Yes, she does! Put your mind to it and everything will be fine. It doesn't matter who's right. Everyone knows that, right?I had a nice, low-key childhood.My adolescence is, I would say, average. I like to go out, to dance, to be kissed but I never fall in love.My relationships with others are never equal but I don't know how to do otherwise. Nothing special is expected of me and that's fine, I have enough to do with an inner life without limits. Woe is me.One day, a "friend" at school convinces me to go to a catholic weekend. And there I had the worst encounter of my life: My future husband...