FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

My paradise.

This morning I am talking to my youngest daughter who wants to talk about the upheavals she has had to face despite her young age. She tells me that her older sisters don't realise how complicated these times have been and how many things she had to give up at not quite twelve.

She tells me about the day I told her at the end of secondary school that her brother and one of her sisters were packing a bag with her things because they could no longer stay at home. She must have seen that it was getting dangerous. They were going to live with her grandparents in safety while I sorted things out with her father. She said, "Why did you tell me you weren't thinking of getting a divorce then? I explained to her that when I told her I thought I could change things, I meant it.

But I couldn't do it. Worse still, the situation got worse.

For her, it showed that no one was keeping their word. I try to argue but she is not entirely wrong. She confides in me the hurt caused by her sisters' remarks about her current status. Since we left our past life, she has enjoyed freedoms that older children didn't have at the same age: a mobile phone, the possibility of going out on the town with friends, taking the train by herself to the family, riding a scooter, going out dancing with girlfriends. My daughter doesn't understand that her sisters can reproach her in this way. She tells me all the things she didn't have and that the older children enjoyed at her age: a mother who was available twenty-four hours a day, homemade snacks on the way home from school, a mother who waits for you when you come home, family meals at every opportunity, brothers and sisters at home to confide in when you need them, repeated uprooting in a short time. She knows why she went through all this and she doesn't regret it. It's still hard to live with and what she enjoys now is that she has a different life from the grown-ups.
A mother who leaves early and comes home late, hence the mobile. Efforts to bond with new people her own age in the absence of her siblings, hence the outings. Greater mutual trust because she is alone with her mum in an unfamiliar environment, hence the total trust that has never been put to shame. All this she did not choose. All this forced her to mature earlier. All this means that her life cannot be compared to that of the grown-ups. I hear his pain. I show him that it is difficult to put himself in other people's shoes, which explains the remarks made to him. I realise that for all my children, living in the present is not a given. This is something I realised only recently.

We spend a weekend with my son and his girlfriend in a five star hotel (I specify in Asia, it matters). The room has a huge bed, a balcony overlooking a Japanese garden. The complex offers all the services imaginable and more. There is access to a private beach where we prefer to go in the morning rather than by the pool. Deckchairs in the shade of the frangipani trees, beach towels provided on arrival, white sand, a warm and calm Indian ocean thanks to a coral reef that stops the waves. After a few swims we let the sea carry us. I find myself looking at the cloudless blue sky, floating freely. I feel soothed and happy. The next moment we go to the nearby Italian restaurant. I taste a dish whose name appealed to me even though I didn't understand what it was made of until I had the plate in front of me. I love surprises!

I have rarely eaten such a tasty dish. I can't remember enjoying fresh crusty bread with garlic and basil butter. I look around; I am surrounded by people I love who are just happy to be here. We sit in the shade, the blades of a ceiling fan making the temperature pleasant. In the distance I can see sand, sea and sky between groves of tropical plants. Suddenly it hits me; everyone dreams of living in paradise and I am there.

But if I turn my head, the people around me are on their mobile phones or getting angry at their children. In addition to living in your own paradise, you have to realise that the present moment is paradise and it is up to you to live it to the full. If we look at the present by thinking about the past or planning for the future, we miss our Eden. And now I take a deep breath and absorb all I can from this moment. I don't want to miss anything.

No blame, no regret, I want to live here and now.