FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

Feeling protected.

For a long time I knew what I didn't want in life. After everything that has happened to us, I realise that it is more constructive to know what I want in order to build my life and to set goals. And among all the things I know clearly is that the person who will share my life must be able to protect me from all dangers. I want to feel safe. I think that's why I imagine someone tall (at least taller than me), who exudes a certain strength (without being threatening).

When I think back to my marriage, I realise that I was never safe at home or away. I knew this unconsciously. I was always the one who filled that role with my children. Now, I recognise that attacking a child in the presence of his mother is a risk-taking activity. But in my case it went much further than that. Let me explain.

At that time, in the neighbourhood where we live, several mothers decided to organise a walking bus to take our children to school in the morning. One of the children I escorted told me several times that I was his 'maid'. I set him straight. This was followed by a fit of hysteria from the mother who could not accept that I could answer her son. The husband comes to the house that evening. Instead of opening the door to talk to him, my ex talks to him behind the closed door because he is afraid.

Another example is when we go to the police station to lodge a complaint about my eldest daughter being harassed at school, despite my ex's repeated opposition. The police officer who received us told us that what had happened was very serious and that we should lodge a complaint. My ex refuses and says that I should do it because I know more about the situation than he does. I saw the police officer flinch.

There is also the story of the poster boy who makes dirty talk to the two older girls when they come home alone from school on Wednesday lunchtime. They feel really bad and start to get scared. My ex refuses to deal with it. He downplays it by saying that they should just stay out of trouble and that telling them they have a "nice ball" or that they are "good" is not a big deal. I end up walking down the street one day at lunchtime with one of my daughters and a pen and paper. I approach the guy from a reasonable distance and say out loud, "Is this the guy who's making pornographic remarks to you? Well, I just wrote down his physical description and the registration of his vehicle. I'll pass this on to the police station. As luck would have it, he was never seen again in the neighbourhood.

Last event (there are many others but I won't mention them all or we'll still be here tomorrow), we live in our second house. We have an elderly neighbour who lives opposite us. One Wednesday morning as I was walking past a window, I spotted a shady guy going into her basement which she never closes during the day. I tell my ex, who is on leave, that we should call the police because there is something really wrong and our neighbour is alone. He refuses to call the police station. After a while, despite his opposition, I called the police who told me they would send a patrol quickly. After many minutes, there was still no one there. On top of that, we have to pick up our second daughter who is coming back from an after-school activity. My ex refuses to leave the house and lets me go outside by myself, past the neighbour's house and down the street to pick up our daughter. I can tell you that I walked very fast and turned around a lot. On top of that I have to walk past the house in question with my daughter and I'm worried even though my ex explains to me that he's watching everything from inside our house... We arrive safe and sound. We see the guy in question leaving the house opposite. I think to myself, we can't leave this poor old lady like this, especially if she is injured. My ex still refuses to leave our house. So I go alone. I approach the basement, call, no answer. I walk into the garden when someone puts a hand on my shoulder. I have never been so startled in my life. It was the granny asking me what I was doing in her house.

This list, which is not exhaustive, confirms my opinion about my possible future partner. From now on it will be an Indiana Jones, a Captain America, a KDrama hero or nothing. Because I'm worth it, right?Well, the problem is that it's not easy.