FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

Believe in yourself.

Since I left my thirty-one year "couple" life behind, I have been trying to find ways to rebuild myself or simply find my true self. I'm trying meditation and self-motivation, among other things.

 I keep hearing in videos and conferences that we must not get stuck on our cracks and that we must focus on the lessons we can learn to grow.

It's true that when I think of any painful moment in the past, without going any further, it only reopens a wound that has not yet healed. I feel that these words are full of wisdom. But to apply them in my daily life is a different matter, especially on days when the morale is not good. Especially when life's troubles seem to be piling up on my head. I often think that the world is unfair. I've cried in the arms of a loved one because the cup was full and bad news was spilling over. The last event I remember was when my fourth daughter called me between classes to tell me, with a shaky voice, that her pregnancy monitoring results were bad and that she needed further tests at the hospital because she had caught a childhood illness at work with possible serious consequences for the baby. The sky fell (again). Luckily one of my colleagues let me cry on her shoulder to regain my composure before the bell rang and I resumed my role as a smiling, energetic teacher. 

 I want to turn ugly into beautiful, evil into joy, pain into sweetness, scars into strength, but you really have to look hard to find the positive in the bad.

What strength can you find in being raped? Let's see, to distrust men? No. To know what I don't want anymore? That's for sure. To learn to defend myself? I vote for that. Sometimes I look back on this period and try to analyse the warning signs, my reactions and I tell myself that I will no longer hide the facts behind potentially imaginary feelings. I will no longer fall into the victim attitude. I will no longer allow myself to be dominated by another person.

What can you learn from being abused by your father when you were too small to be suspicious and defend yourself? Not to trust those closest to you? It is too sad to distrust those who should protect us. That maybe we don't deserve better? Never! Those who commit horrors are worth even less than the acts they have committed. Those who have been subjected to them are people who deserve to be taken care of. 

What lesson can we learn from a daily life of constant denigration, suspicion and anxiety? That this is what awaits us throughout this hard and uncertain life? We cannot predict what will happen from one second to the next, for sure. But we are responsible for the environment we create around us. Even if it is painful at the time, I have learned that we must choose our direct circle and surround ourselves only with people who make us feel good, who do not judge us and who let us move forward on the path we choose.

In calm weather and with hindsight I realise that what I experienced put me in danger physically, financially, mentally and materially. I have realised that the love of my family is a central pillar in my life whatever I do and wherever I am. I became aware of the potential I had in me, of what I was capable of. That I could take risks and turn them into success. That I could rise and that I deserved to live in some luxury instead of being told that my children and I are always too expensive. Yes, I am a good person for my family and for myself, with my faults but above all my qualities. Saying this does not make me a self-righteous person but simply an honest one. We should all look at ourselves as we are and not as we see ourselves or others see us.

Because we are worth it!