On 29 May, I officially left the house after a night of anguish during which I did not close my eyes for fear that "he" would kill me. Every time I open my eyes, "he" is standing next to me in the living room, staring at me and begging me not to "abandon" him. My children have been in the shelter of my parents for several days.
I find myself without a job, without a roof over my head, picking up after myself with a spoon. At the time, I felt guilty about leaving the person who had shared my life for thirty-one years, even though I knew it was the only solution for my children and myself.A year later, I went from sleeping on a cot, to sharing a bed with one of my daughters, to a single bed in a room of my own. We have had to make many sacrifices that we have hidden for fear of being judged. We are ashamed of our situation. When we talk about our past life we feel disbelief and doubt from people outside our family. So gradually we shut up. We keep seeing slogans "such a problem ... let's talk about it". Okay, but already nobody wants to hear the unspeakable. We can feel that the people in front of us are uncomfortable and prefer to change the subject. Then, when we have spoken, what happens? Nothing happens. We have been suffering for four years from this inertia. And in the meantime, "it" continues.
In our society, when we play by the rules we have no protection. Those who are outside the law are either not punished or are ridiculously punished. A human life is worth less than the damage to money. "He" has destroyed six lives and risks no more than if "he" had crushed a single existence. The signal that "he" is being sent is: "Go ahead my boy, you don't risk anything more now so why deprive yourself".
There is talk of presumption of innocence for the supposedly guilty. But the most disturbing thing is the presumption of falsehood for the supposed victims. We have to bear a double, triple, quadruple punishment. Thank you, French justice, which I respect out of personal conviction, but which I no longer trust.
In spite of this loneliness, we are making progress as best we can. My older daughter is moving a thousand miles away from home to be closer to us. My four other children are continuing their journey as best they can. My second child is doing further training while waiting to enter a master's degree. My son, after a period of depression, is taking the road to working life by following his own path. My last two are continuing their schooling. After a job as an extracurricular activity leader which cost me more money than it brought in (hats off to all the people in this thankless but so indispensable profession), I became a substitute teacher. Thank you to my headmistress at the time for trusting me and supporting me without ever condemning me. I realise that this job is time-consuming but I love it to bits (my children say so). I love it! I decided to take the teacher's exam. I passed. Second time in my life.My children with me, a secure job, a roof over my head and all this after a year of hardship, but only a year nonetheless. Why do we always have difficulties to feel secure and fully happy?
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FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN
Non-FictionTo tell my life story is to talk about everyone's life, to share our worlds. I prefer to remain hidden in order to open up. Come and discover me through the pages. Perhaps you will also find yourself through my wounds, my doubts and my hope for a...
