FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

The storm

In the year since we left home, festering wounds reopen wide at the most unexpected moments. A phone call, a car trip, a letter, an appointment and everything changes.And then, in the middle of it all, a crushing blow!

One evening when I got home from school, one of my daughters told me that the school nurse wanted to see me after she had another anxiety attack in sports. This person advised us to follow up in a psychotherapeutic centre for adolescents. A new helping hand was extended to us, which changed our path once again.

After a month and a half I was summoned by the centre's team with my children and they told me that a report would be made to the prosecutor. If I hadn't left the region where their father lives, they would have already asked for the minors to be placed in a safe place outside the family home. I hear for the first time about filing a complaint. I don't fully realise what a bombshell this is. How can one imagine the cross that victims go through in a so-called state of law? I don't wish anyone to go through this. Many times I will think about giving up. 

I am even more confused after the decision of the family court. She heard my daughters talk about their daily lives with their father. She heard the "other" acknowledge all the violence and rapes but deny what his children have said. She decided that it was important to keep a link with both parents for the development of the children, even if the lawyer for the "other" did not ask for more than I did, i.e. to let the children decide. She forces the girls to see "him" without a third party at his home. I even lost my voice for a week. Luckily he never exercised this right, he made it clear that the only thing he cares about is me staying. So why is the monitoring centre now telling me that criminal proceedings will be initiated? Is what happened to us serious? I don't understand anything anymore.I make a point of not telling my children about their father so as not to influence them. The person who follows me explains to me that this is not a good attitude. They may interpret it as tacit support for their torturer. I listen to her and understand to my surprise that this is the case. They seem relieved that we talk about it without taboo or rancour just telling what comes to mind when we feel the need to. Gradually, this is becoming more rare.

In spite of everything, the traumas are there. They are expressed differently for everyone. We end up not understanding each other and growing apart at times. It hurts a lot. We feel even more alone with each other. One of my daughters is moving to a neighbouring town for her studies. She calls me one day in total panic. She is crying, can't speak. She ran into her neighbour and thought she saw her father. She is locked in her house and doesn't dare to move because he might hear her from his house and break down her door. She is sure of it. The next day, she returns home. She feels bad about herself and relations with the two younger children deteriorate rapidly. Dialogue with the older girl has become impossible. Unable to blame her father, whom she has always idealized and who has always told her that she was his favourite, she takes it out on me. She shows her siblings how I am a bad mother. I can't blame her, I think so too. My boy, on the other hand, is running away to make his own life according to his own values. He stays on my side. He also feels responsible for not protecting his sisters.

Only one person so far is still not touched by the feeling of guilt.

Guess who?