The goal for me and the children is to accept our lives in their entirety and take back control. To stop being victims. We have been that but we are not just that. We are not that anymore. The proof is that we manage to transform the dark into light, in small steps but as soon as the opportunity arises.
It's early summer, a year after we left. My daughter is on holiday but I am not yet. My sister offers to take her with her to the family for a week. I know that with her my last one will be protected. "He is wary of her. This way she can celebrate her birthday with people she loves and misses. I am alone on my birthday which falls at the same time. I think I'll be fine because I'm busy during the day and it's not the first time I've found something to do. But as the end of the day approaches I start to brood. I find it hard to breathe. I feel a weight on my chest pressing down harder and harder. My throat clenches like crazy. My mobile rings. It's my second. I have to pull myself together. She can't know. I want my children to come to me because they want to, not just to please me. I pick up the phone, she immediately knows something is wrong. I try to pull myself together and reassure her. It will pass. It's not the first time it's happened to me. It's not a big deal. She's with her older sister and her sister's boyfriend. Whatever I say, they're coming. No, I don't have to worry about the hour-long drive they'll be on. There are three of them who can drive. There's no way they're going to leave me in this state. After a while the doorbell rings, they are there and everything lights up. We go to the local Chinese restaurant to get some food and we eat while playing board games. It's amazing how a burden can be lifted when it's shared. I blow out my candles and I'm happy. We take care of each other despite the times when we are apart. There is no need to speak in words. Presence and a look are enough to heal the wounds.
Last year's Halloween. My youngest would TOO like to have a party with her sisters and their boyfriend. I don't want to bother them with my presence or make them feel bad by staying in my corner. While the two older ones live nearby and the fourth is coming back from Paris for the occasion, I'm going to have a nice weekend. At work, I've taken all the overtime I can to be able to offer my daughters an education and all the comfort possible. I can indulge myself on occasion. Here I am, twenty five minutes from home, in a forest to spend two days and one night in a tree house. A very friendly welcome from a woman from Grenoble who has lost her way. It puts me at ease right away. I have the right to a cosy shelter with a terrace equipped with a coffee table and two armchairs and a dry toilet outside (for the little time I stay it's funny). Inside, there is no view from any window and despite two other huts. There is a table for two, a sofa with a soft blanket, a kitchen area with heating, hot drinks and a bedroom area with a very large bed. Great! I booked a basket for "lovers". There is nothing for one person but at this moment it suits me; I spend my time between taking the air on the terrace admiring the landscape and curling up under the duvet to read the novels I brought while eating maroilles, terrine, cherry tomatoes, salted tiles, chocolates. All of course washed down with a delicious Page 24. I know my children are fine so I can escape into my inner world. I can rest.
The loneliness weighs less and less on me.
YOU ARE READING
FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN
Non-FictionTo tell my life story is to talk about everyone's life, to share our worlds. I prefer to remain hidden in order to open up. Come and discover me through the pages. Perhaps you will also find yourself through my wounds, my doubts and my hope for a...
