FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

The meaning of life.

I will never get used to the slaps of life.Two days ago, I look at my phone as usual. I go on Instagram to see if anyone I know has posted or told a story. I appreciate it when someone puts a like on the news I can give (even if I don't do it often). So I want to give the device back. Then I come across some very dark messages from one of my former students who was a victim of harassment a year ago. I turn into a "chicken" and spin around in my head to find out what I should do.

I talk to my daughter who confirms that the messages are worrying. I decide to respond to this young person by offering him a listening ear if he needs one. I remind him that some of his friends have always been there for him. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, he replied that I shouldn't worry and that he knew who to count on. Phew. I still put in a word to the school life of his high school so that they could keep an eye on him. First shock.The next day, a former colleague publishes the death notice of one of my senior students, two years ago. Nineteen years ago. Second slap in the face in two days. My God, this is really unfair and incomprehensible.

The hardest thing about getting older is having to deal with the deaths, the number of which keeps growing as time goes by. With the experience of these painful moments, I am gradually integrating the importance of moving to show respect to those who have left as well as to those who remain and suffer. It is never a pleasure but it is a duty as a human being. We must stop time to show that a life is not in vain, that links have been created. That people have existed for someone.

I remember the first dead person I saw. It was at my aunt's house; her father was lying in the dining room which was open to the kitchen where we had coffee and talked with the rest of the family. I thought it was creepy to keep a dead person at home and even weirder to disturb people in their grief. Since then I have understood. I would feel like I was abandoning the person I loved if I left them in an anonymous place alone while waiting for the funeral.Being surrounded by people who talk about everything and anything, who laugh or shed a tear while remembering moments lived with the one who is leaving is a way of postponing the final separation. 

I remember too that for my maternal grandmother we spent the evening playing pinochle and tarot, snacking and laughing. This allowed me to sleep at night with less pain thinking about the pain my mother must have felt. On the other hand, there was a funeral that I found really strange. My boss at the time had lost his father who lived in a big city. Together with some colleagues we decided to go to the funeral mass for our boss. In the church, only the immediate family and two acquaintances were present. I had never seen such a small gathering for such an event. A whole life and only a handful of people remembering you. I find it sad beyond belief. There are things you learn by living it and you realise the mistakes you may have made before. In the past, I didn't always bother to stop what I was doing for those who were leaving us.

In our society, we avoid seeing suffering and illness, death and pain. Everything is sanitised, perfect, smooth, happy. You have to work, be successful, have lots of money to be happy. One's image has to be enviable in order to be satisfied with one's lot.

When I'm at work or out and about, I make it a point of honour to smile, to say that everything is fine, to be positive. We are only interested in other people's problems in books or to comfort us about our fate. Otherwise we get drunk very quickly. We always find solutions to other people's problems. I think the most difficult thing in life is to feel truly in tune with yourself without necessarily wanting to be marginal. At what point is one really oneself? Being at peace with myself at all times is going to be my next goal. Not being afraid to live, not being angry about anything, moving myself, that's what I'm going to put on my next To Do List.