FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

To love oneself.

How can we fill our lives without doing things that are not like us but are in the air?

I am not antisocial. I'm not especially shy. I appreciate recognition but I'm uncomfortable if I'm put on the spot. I don't necessarily want to be noticed but I don't hesitate to speak up if I feel I have to in the face of injustice or enormity. I know I'm bound to be someone's fool but as long as I don't know that, it's fine with me. On the other hand, the opposite is unbearable for me. I still have a long way to go in managing my emotions. At the same time, it's my trademark; it seems that it's easy to read my thoughts and feelings on my face. I don't want to be the sweet little Sue who is transparent and nobody remembers anymore. Like everyone else I want to be loved, to make a mark. I want to live my life to the full. I wasted too many years in my first life. I can't afford to waste the second half I have left. Time passes too quickly without us noticing. But what can we do? And what to do? My days are punctuated by my daughter's schedule at school. I follow her schedule so that I don't stay in bed in the morning and go to bed when the sun rises. I force myself to go out to move, to work, to see people. But my social life is very limited. My children tell me to go to book clubs, sports clubs... to see people and create links. Doing this weighs on me. I tell myself that they are right to insist, but at the same time I realise that when they are alone they do nothing more than I do. I have already visited foreign cities alone. I've been to the opera and the cinema alone. I walk alone on the beach and I realise that the vast majority of people travel in pairs. I go to restaurants and cafés alone. I have been to the cinema alone. Who among you gives up something if it is not accompanied?

It's strange how we feel more serene, more confident when we are with another person. But when we are alone, we feel awkward, stared at, silly. What are we missing all of a sudden?

When my daughter doesn't come home I don't make myself food, I just snack. I think we are happy when we share. Do we only have value through the eyes of the other? The presence of the other? Do we have so little consideration for ourselves that we are not worth paying attention to? I hope not, but I have to change my habits. A friend of mine around my age recently passed away. She told me that she couldn't live alone. She couldn't. She had several men in her life. The sad thing is that she ended her last days with someone but without love and perhaps more alone than without him. I have always seen my mother primping every morning and she is still doing it in her eighties. So every day I put on make-up, I put on clothes as if I were working outside. I even wear high heels, something I didn't do before I went abroad. I tell myself that in order to be loved I have to love myself for who I am. I have to get to know myself. I'm afraid of what I might find out. Am I a nice person, or am I a worthless person? Am I good or inconsistent? Weak or strong? I do everything I can on a daily basis to give a smile, help, attention, respect to the people I meet. My daughter told me today that at first glance I seem stern but my smile quickly breaks this image.

If I listen to my children I am a good and beautiful person. The problem is that because they don't listen to me when I tell them they are exceptional, I can't believe they are impartial. We should listen to each other more. We have a long way to go.