FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

A break

Every time I go back to those memories, I feel bad. I feel like crying. I can't hang up the present. It's as if "he" is drowning me again. As if I can't escape him wherever I go, whatever I do. As if all my efforts to live are reduced to nothing.

I absolutely have to take a break to get my head out of this slimy, smelly mud and breathe. A little... No, deep breaths. I don't want to let him win. I'll be happy.

It's midday, I'm in a cafe-coworking space in Canggu. I've just applied for a visa renewal so I can stay in Indonesia with my latest. Here I am an immigrant. Well, expatriate, that's a little more classy. It's impossible to find a GoRide to go back because of the rainy season. So I take my trouble and decide to treat myself to a snack. I push the door of the Home Café nearby and bam! I find myself plunged into Europe. Everything, from the decor to the background music, from the food to the customers, gives the feeling of being on another continent. I bring up the average age, which before my arrival must have been around thirty. Most of them work on computers in front of graphs, statistics or video conferences. These young people are as white as aspirin tablets. I wonder why they have come to the other side of the world if it is to look for what they have at home.

I treat myself to a rare treat here: an Oolong tea in a glass teapot, accompanied by a warm, crisp almond croissant. I look out at the scenery through the glass windows at the front and back of the establishment. In front there are rice fields surrounded by small temples that have grown like mushrooms. Palm trees, banana trees and other trees complete the scenery. Scooters pass tirelessly on the road. But why couldn't I get one???! At the back, the same scenery is disturbed by buildings for foreigners.

I look at these concrete buildings and I see from my soft sofa, a worker crouching down to eat, sheltered by rice mats on bamboo sticks balanced between two roofs. I realise that I am truly privileged. I don't have to do what I've done so far, or even what these young people around me are doing. I have to make the most of the present moment while projecting myself into a better future.

A bit ambitious isn't it? Maybe, but it seems to me that one of my favourite authors said that you have to aim for the moon to at least reach the stars. And I'm fine with the stars. So let's aim for the moon. To do that I'll have to travel light. I'm already doing it materially; we've only got two suitcases each since we left France. We have already changed accommodation four times in two and a half months, more easily than ever. What remains is to lighten the weight on our hearts and souls. And for that I will continue to share my burden with you if you will. Thank you for the time you are willing to spend reading me.

It is as if I were slowly placing in your hands the chains that prevent me from moving forward.