FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

The return.

I told you that I didn't learn the lessons. I had forgotten that I could be sick, inert, weak. I had forgotten the comfort of having a caring person by my side in this situation.I had forgotten how quickly the muscles and the brain empty if they are not used.

After a week of lying down (I'll skip the symptoms) I'm back. My daughter started to feel bad and a few hours later I joined her. We both regained enough strength to get back to our jobs.

I'm happy to be able to sit down again without my head spinning, to concentrate for more than five minutes without feeling like I've run a marathon. At one point I was in so much pain that I said to my daughter: "I want my mum to come and look after me and tuck me in" and my daughter looked me in the eye and said she would like the same. At this point, despite the headache, we burst out laughing. Fortunately I was able to eat the soup I was dreaming of and fruit with ice cream smoothies. It reminds me of my mother, who thinks that food is the source of this and that for her. For me they are band-aids for the soul and the body. As you may have guessed, my mother has her feet on the ground, I'm not sure where.

In any case, once again my last one was a great, great comfort. Alone on the other side of the world, I would have been very depressed. My other children were worried. It's always difficult when you're not around and can't do anything.Anyway, it made me think a lot about our future for next year; what if my daughter needs more care, what do I do? Where can I take her to get proper care? Isn't it safer to be covered by the French health system? What am I taking my child on?

All these questions are swirling around in my head. But isn't it also a cowardly way of getting back to the cushy life I had before, where I can complain that I'm suffering?Let me explain; when I announced around me that we were going to Indonesia for a year, people told me that I was lucky, that they would like to do the same but that they couldn't. So yes ... and no. So yes ... and no. It was a chance that came to me because of my son, but I took the opportunity. It's not easy to leave a situation in which you feel comfortable to go into the unknown. It's not easy to give away all your furniture and belongings and keep only a few boxes that fit in two cupboards (for my daughter and me). It's not easy to leave the ones you love to try something you might not like. I know what it's like to leave everything behind and I'm convinced that few people are willing to do that. So don't envy those who do. It's a choice and as with any choice it is necessary to mourn what you leave behind. You can choose never to dare, just as you can feel the need to change continuously. Everyone must do what they want to do without being judged or jealous. We can't put ourselves in the place of others, we don't have to understand each other. We can only accept ourselves.

I don't know what path I'm finally going to take. I just know that I will respect what my last one wants. I will never live again the way I lived before I left for Bali. I want to find myself, grow and not lose myself again.