FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

Do not regret.

Leaving, leaving your loved ones and not looking back, that's what I'm doing. But is it the right solution for me?

Moving on, leaving behind the people who paralyse us, poison us in small doses, pull us back, is not a bad thing. We can love these people, accept them as they are. We can say to ourselves that if we can see it that way for them, they must try to do it for us. If they don't, it's no longer our responsibility and we can't do anything about it. They may need time. This should not stop us from moving forward even if we don't know where. We just need to be able to feel like we belong each time we live a part of our history. To be attached or not, to listen to others or to do what I want, that is the summary of my life now. When my last daughter and I said we were leaving for a year on the other side of the world, the people we love cried, worried about us, helped us prepare for our departure and asked us when we would return. They started to plan what we would do when we returned.At that very moment I answered in all sincerity that in one year we would be back. That it was only a parenthesis, an opportunity that we could not let pass. It must be said that the year before I had already asked for a transfer overseas, which was not accepted. And now my son is helping us to realise our dream.

However, when we arrived at our destination, we only wanted to get back on the first plane. We were completely lost. Living in a country where you only buy what you can afford is confusing on top of everything else. Water, electricity, telephone charges are all paid in advance. It's not like in France where we have subscriptions. We can end up in debt. Here there is no money, no water, not even toilet paper (which you can find individually).After a few days we felt safe, as if the past had faded away from the 'other'. The distance seemed to have fixed everything. This will turn out to be totally wrong. The pain is still there and we have to continue to heal ourselves as best we can. There are increasingly rare but real moments when we feel so bad that we cry. Some parts of the brain resist reason. Now I don't see myself going backwards. I like to have landmarks but not too many habits. I like self-imposed routines but not routine, otherwise I stay in my comfort zone. 

Yesterday at the end of the day I was feeling very lonely and deeply sad. I went to the beach to talk to my daughter who has just given birth and to see her baby. Then I thought about it in a calm way, I realised that: I like teaching, I like living in a country new to me, I like being able to walk anywhere at any time (which is not possible here), I like city life. So I have to see about teaching abroad, if I get a new availability. If this is not possible I will not risk losing my job which I have struggled so hard to get. I remember very well the feeling of insecurity when I had no job and no roof over my head. I will not take that risk again. Talking to my daughter, she confirms that she too would find it difficult to return to our life of last year. We just have to keep our fingers crossed and get moving to get what we want. All the while hoping that the planets align. I believe in fate. What must happen cannot be avoided. We only make the choices in our already mapped out life path.Can anyone make decisions for me? I would like to be a child again and be told what to do. You know, it's like when I was a kid and I used to pretend I fell asleep in the car so my dad would carry me to bed and my mum would tuck me in. 

Those are the moments when you feel so good, you wish it would never end.