FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

Traces from the past

Traumas surface in bits and pieces that, from the outside, have no connection with each other. Innocuous things then propel us into the past.

First return to our home region on holiday. We have been away for several months. We are accompanied by my sister and brother-in-law. They are ready to do anything to protect us. That makes us feel a bit better. Preparing the car in a calm atmosphere. When everyone is in the car, my brother-in-law asks what music we would like to listen to. My niece asks for the Disney film music so that we can sing along. And then he puts them on. Just like that, no problem... I turn my head towards my daughters with a tightness in my throat. I see that they too have tears in their eyes. We are all thinking about the same thing.

We have never experienced this before. In our previous life, every departure is an occasion for shouting, insults, crying. Putting on the music is a moment of anguish; we are entitled to the ritual question "Well, what else do you want to listen to?" followed after our proposals by "You piss me off with your shitty taste. I'm driving you. I'm tired of doing everything for you so you could at least let me put on what I want. We told him that we don't mind if he puts on what he wants. And he put on what we had proposed. He will sacrifice himself once again for his family who are "taking the piss out of him". A heavy silence falls in the cabin. Nobody wants to listen to anything. Except "him" who starts whistling heartily. We do everything to escape this shrill and invasive noise. A long time later, a whistle heard by chance makes us extremely anxious.

When we stop for lunch at a motorway service area with my sister's family, they ask us what is happening to us. When we explain why we react the way we do, they seem to be in shock. Watching TV, eating, going to the toilet, going to bed without fear of 'him' spying on us behind the door or 'him' forcing the door to be locked. All these simple things to which we had no right suddenly destabilise us. We become more aware of our previous miserable life. It is painful. Another slap in the face.Not for a moment has sleeping alone been a problem for me since I left. What a joy to be a starfish in the middle of the mattress. My hands no longer hurt in the morning when I wake up. I don't clench my fists in my sleep so tightly that my fingers are tingling. The pain in my shoulders only comes back when we go back to where we came from. I can lift my arms again. I can even move around without being totally blocked, unable to take a step, after several tens of minutes standing. My body is gradually becoming free.