FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

The fears

Habits are easily formed. Whether they are good or bad, it is always very complicated to change them.

When we turned the page on our past, we did not immediately change our reflexes. To sit down at the table together without stress, to eat without having a tight throat, to finish a meal without a shout, all this makes us feel strange.

I remember two episodes that marked me. There is the time when I knock on the door of the second-to-last room before entering. I hear a noise and then a "yes? I open the door and ask the last two sitting on the bed why they are making that face. Is there a problem? The taller one hesitates and replies in annoyance that they have just hidden their snacks under the bed. Why did they do that? Well, we were afraid of getting into a fight like before. I look at them in dismay. Since when do I scold them for that? You never do. They are the ones who clean their rooms, so it's up to them to take care of their things. I don't have to worry about that. And they don't need to hide. Besides, the other day at the shrink's they reproached me for never raising my voice and for always wanting to talk. Yes, I want to get out of this system of shouting to settle a dispute. At their age, you can understand and respect your parent without having to fear them. 

The second episode takes place on an evening when I'm at a class council at my high school, which is near our flat. When I am at work I put my phone on silent. I didn't notice that the last two have tried to reach me several times. When students leave the meeting room, I see my daughters standing at the door with our dog on a leash. I apologise to my colleagues and go to join them in the corridor. They are half crying and tell me that they have discovered marks on the wall of the flat in the stairwell that weren't there when they came home from class. Someone must have broken into our house. From their description I understand that I accidentally made these marks with the waterproofing spray I used before leaving earlier. I tell them that it's nonsense to make films like that. That I was really scared when I saw them. They get angry at my reaction. They were and still are in a panic. They don't feel safe and don't dare to go back home. I see that I have reacted badly so I tell them that I am sorry and that they can stay in my school until I have finished. The taller of the two is upset with me and tells me that they are sorry for bothering me, that they will be fine on their own with the knife they always have with them from our old life. I tell them I'm putting my phone back on ringer and they walk away without looking back. I go back to the class council with my mind elsewhere. As soon as the meeting is over, I rush home and apologise. I should have understood their sense of insecurity. I will be more careful when I leave if I leave anything unusual behind. No one will light the rooms on the street side that night.

There will be many more such incidents that remind us that we are potentially in danger. That "he" can surprise us at any time as "he" used to do in the past. Even though I try to reassure my children that "he" is too cheap to spend money on anything but himself. Plus "he" is too scared in an environment that is not his. But we keep turning around in the street, looking out the window before turning on the lights when we get home.