I have already summarised for you what will be the rest of my married life. Add to that constant humiliation, progressive confinement, violence, an omnipresent feeling of insecurity and rape to complete the picture.I thought I had experienced the worst. I was very much mistaken.Thirty-one years of silence, of fake smiles, of fibromyalgia. Fortunately five children, my suns, arrived. Without them, I would never have lasted. I would already be dead. These are not just words but a certainty that I feel in my gut. I feel even more guilty towards them.This morning I am sorting through my files. I come across some photos. Like a first-class maniac, I sort them into folders (yes, I sort my m&m's by colour before eating them. Like everyone else, right?) I only kept the ones associated with good memories. Yet looking at them makes my throat close.My children didn't know then, the hardships they would still have to face. How could I have protected them? A mother must be a shield against pain. I wish I could cleanse their souls of all the pain they had to endure alone. I wish that nothing could damage them anymore. God, it's hard to watch your loved ones suffer.Behind the closed door of our house, they lived through the hell I stupidly believed I had protected them from. I know, all seven of us know, that they only come back so as not to break my heart. Seeing me helpless in the hopeless situation we are in, one of my daughters is pushing me to go into therapy. I tell you my children are my saviours. "He" is against it but finally gives in because "he" senses that this time I am determined to carry out my threat to leave him.Here we are in couple's therapy with a psychiatrist who from the first session asks to see me alone in parallel. It is formulated in such a way that "he" can only accept.Very quickly the therapist explains to me that, without wanting to put people in boxes, I am married to a narcissistic pervert manipulator (MPN for the intimate). I have a choice in the current situation, knowing that "he" will never change: I stay and end up going through with it. Or secondly, I run away and, at the same time, I save my children who are undoubtedly in danger. And then, another slap in the face.I know at that moment that I must divorce as soon as possible.
We have to run away!
YOU ARE READING
FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN
Non-FictionTo tell my life story is to talk about everyone's life, to share our worlds. I prefer to remain hidden in order to open up. Come and discover me through the pages. Perhaps you will also find yourself through my wounds, my doubts and my hope for a...
