FROM THE NORM TO THE MARGIN

Complicated me? Never.

Last night for me, in the morning for France, I called my second daughter on whatsapp because I know she feels abandoned. We talked for two and a half hours. It's always a problem for me to show the love I have for others.

In our family, we have our own way of communicating, as I'm sure you do too. We tell one of us if we feel strongly about something by saying "you keep it to yourself". Then, if the person who has listened to the confidences thinks he can help, he tells the others the problem, insisting that he didn't say it. This is followed by exchanges that allow us to clarify the sky between us, even if in bad faith we reproach the one who did not keep his word that he cannot keep a secret. It's been going on like this for years, and finally I tell myself that it's not so bad because we are all good to each other. What we want and strive for is each other's happiness.

So to stay in this pattern, my last one told me that my daughters, who stayed in France, feel abandoned by both of us. It's as if since we've been here we've led such a life that we're too busy to think about them. Well, then, I can reassure them immediately; my social life is close to zero and compared to last school year I am not at all overwhelmed. 

I've already said it, but after our exchanges, it's complicated for me on a moral level. My throat is tight and my heart is heavy. I think back to all the times we were together and I miss them. The Wednesday lunches when my second daughter, who works in the same school, stops by for lunch so that we can work together afterwards (which proves difficult because we chat a lot). The late afternoons when my last daughter calls her sister to visit her on a whim. There are still many of these moments that are decided at the last minute for the pleasure of being together, with the people we trust to love us as we are.My fourth who takes the train or the plane to spend a weekend with us even if she is tired or working shortly after her return. Thanks to the arrival of the baby she calls us when she can. I take it as a blessing as far as I'm concerned.

It has to be said that the interval for calling each other is reduced, and even more so with the change of time last Sunday. Seven o'clock is starting to feel like it; I don't see myself calling before ten in the morning for France. I'm sleeping earlier and earlier with the sun going down at half past six here. So if my daughters want to talk to me without wondering if I'm in bed, they call me at the latest around three o'clock for them (knowing that our discussions usually last at least an hour). And when my children are at work during the day it is problematic. My son, who is on the same continent as us, also calls regularly, much to my delight. Then at the weekend there are everyone's outings and sometimes there is, not the laziness of talking to each other but the laziness that it is so framed. Spontaneity is not bad in the area of feelings.

I'm happy to hear from my children, they are bursts of energy. When they are well, my mind is free and my heart light. But very often it is they who take the initiative, for the reasons I gave you above, but also because I have never been good at making the first move. I don't want to disturb. I don't want to impose myself on the lives of those I love. They are always with me with or without photos, with or without letters, with or without messages. All the good memories I have, I keep preciously in my head and my heart. In expressing them I feel awkward and the words never reflect exactly what I feel and do not always come at the right time. When my feelings are too strong, my throat gets tight and I can't express myself. It's so hard to make people understand what we can't explain; I love you. Why do I love you? Because that's the way it is.