Ella's Secrets

Entry 7 (Desire)

Dear Asher!

I am the worst diary keeper ever... I'm sorry. It's just I have been so stressed these couple months it was awful. Anyways...

I was always one of those girls who thought 'wow I'd really like a boyfriend right now who would text me cute messages and we could talk, cuddle and just be with each other'. I imagined a lot of scenarios in my head. One day it happened all as you already know. I found the perfect guy. He was the whole package but just not my ideal package.

The good night messages or just the normal messages were - how should I put this - out of this world. I'm serious. At first it was cool you know after such a long time living the single life someone did all the things I have always imagined him to do. And that scared me, Ash.

Just imagine you are at home and thinking 'I wish a new phone case would magically appear in front of my house because I'm too lazy to buy one' and in the morning you looked at your doorstep and found a brand new phone case from Amazon. What would your reaction be?

Exactly. You would be scared and first of all question your sanity and second you will be scared shirtless and think someone played a sick joke on you.

If you didn't understand my metaphor I will gladly explain it to you. The 'phone case' I was talking about is a boy and I thought I would be awesome to have someone just be with me because I feel lonely at home and in my group of friends because they all have either a boyfriend or a nice big family.

And after a blink of an eye the perfect boy appears in 'front of my doorstep' and I get scared as hell. Why? Because I don't want my first boyfriend, my first love to be 'the one' I want to gain experiences and find my great love.

As crazy as it sounds I want to experience heartbreak. I want to fight with him and call my best friend afterwards and tell her how he cheated on me while eating ice cream and watching some sappy love story.

I also want to experience the happy moments with him without him or me being lovestruck like idiots. I want to sit back and think 'wow what a dork I got here but he is my dork'.

I don't know shit about love really, although I have read a lot of things in books and watched a lot of films. And I don't want to pretend that I know anything about love in general.

Do you want to know what I really want Asher? Happiness and any kind of love i.e. family love, sibling love, friendship love, pet love and even romance love.

As of right now I am happy with my single life and I wouldn't change or trade it for anything in the world.

Sometimes I wish I could restart my life and overthink about some decisions so that I could spare me a lot of heartbreaks of all sorts.

I wonder if you are real Ashy as in someone out there who I can lean my shoulder on and just talk my heart out and not in a romantic way. Just two people who enjoy each others companies and talk about anything and everything.

It was nice writing to you Ash as always.

Love ya Ashy. Until next time! x