Ella's Secrets

Entry 21 (Letters)

Dear Asher!

Do you remember my rant about fear, Ash? I discovered another one. Getting any type of letters. Doesn't matter if they are family related or some serious stuff like court letters.

Don't know if you remember but my parents are divorced which means I get about twice a year a lovely (not at all!) letter from my beloved (again not at all!!) mother telling me how much she misses me and wishes me all the best for my future. Yeah right. I hate those letters. They destroy my day and take away my happiness. I don't need your cheap letters with your basic bullshit content in it. I am not a long lost relative that you write once or twice a year to spy on them. I am your daughter, your child! You don't go away and marry my ex best friends uncle after a year of divorcing my dad and leaving the country to escape all your problems here to start a 'new life with a new hubby'! That's plain disgusting and wrong! You unfortunately were capable of giving birth twice. There are other women who would die to be a mother but unfortunately can't because of some biological malfunction and they would even ace in being a good mother but not you. You demolished all my hopes and dreams, my confidence, my perspective on love and life so you could live a happy and fun life with a new family. Spare me with your lame ass letters. I am not in the need of them and neither am I of you.

You should be ashamed of calling yourself a mother.

As you can tell, Ash, I despise my mother. It may seem a little bit harsh but the things she did to me and my family were a lot worse than what I just said. Wow, well I am truly sorry about that. I obviously lost it.

To my other point, the authorities. Getting letters from them feels like I broke every rule on earth even if I did nothing wrong. Do you feel the same or am I the only one?

Every time I receive such a letter I start to panic and my life flashes in front of my eyes like I'm experiencing a near death situation which is actually pretty close. After opening these letters and realising that they just give some information about my finances or other stuff I start to relax and my heart pounding reduces.

After that I laugh at myself for being so ridiculous and childish I think 'next time I'll handle this with ease just like an adult'. Yeah, that didn't happen. The next time I start reacting the same way and I tell myself the exact same lie again afterwards. This unhealthy circle will never end I'm afraid.

Do you want to know how this fear even came to life? After the divorce of my parents I had to give some statements on with whom I am going to live with and such and they wrote a protocol. Each member of the family did the same and one day I got a letter. I was 14 I think and this particular letter was just for me from court not even my dad had the right to see it and sign it. I was petrified from head to toe. I was shaking so bad that I thought I would pass out any second. But that was not the case. I opened it and it was another protocol from my brother who told some bullshit in court and bla bla bla. Not so important.

To conclude I can't handle letters to this day. They terrify me. But life is about how you handle things. It teaches you how to react to certain situations. But I believe this fear of mine will disappear the older I get. Well, I'll sure hope so Ashy.

Love ya Ashy. Until next time! x