Ella's Secrets

Entry 37 (Fool)

Dear Asher!

You may have noticed that I have been MIA for the past month or so. The reason why that happened was because I got my heart semi-broken. Cherry blossom guy took my heart and played football with it. In the end where every nerve was broken and every part of my heart was damaged he handed it back to me coldheartedly like I wasn't even worth his time.

After a month of ignoring me for no reason he contacted me. Almost instantly I felt something wasn't right and he wasn't behaving his usual way. In the first week of summer I was spending my time at uni attending an extra credit class where I also spend my 20th birthday. The whole class thing was actually pretty interesting but I didn't get the credit. On the first day of that class (on my birthday) I was texting him throughout the whole day. I was waiting for him to wish me a happy birthday but that never happened. In the evening I was fed up and angry at him for not remembering and so I told him. He simply said he didn't know that. Ash do you want to know what's funny about that statement? I'll tell you. It's bullshit because I clearly remember us talking about that and him telling me his birthday and vice versa. I told him that's funny because I seem to know his birthday and he knew he fucked up there. Anyways that shitty birthday was over and two days later we met up for the first time after over a month of not seeing each other. It was after class so I was already really exhausted. The look on his face told me that something wasn't alright and I also asked him if he was feeling alright but he just brushed it off and I accepted that because I'm not the type of person to force somebody talking about a topic they don't feel comfortable sharing with.

Two seconds into the conversation he suggested we go home to his place which is literally around the corner. I obviously declined because first of all I was tired and second of all he was being fishy and very suspiciously persistent. He asked multiple times and I declined every time because it just didn't feel right. After that we walked to the metro station and parted ways. Later that evening he texted me asking if I already arrived at home. For the billionth time I asked him what's wrong and he finally told me that he was having a fight with someone I asked with whom and he told me something I never would have guessed in my whole life. I was surprised to my core when he told me with his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend. What the fuck does that even mean? And what the hell where you doing these past couple of months with me flirting your way to the moon? We had so much fun together and a girlfriend never came up and I assumed there never was one because you would have told me you were in a fucking relationship.

Never in my life was I hurt this much from a stranger. This the reason why I lost faith in love and relationships and everything in between because at the end I'm always the one getting hurt which causes unnecessary drama I don't need in my life. I'm not even that mad at him or me or something I'm just utterly confused about this whole situation. Why would he play me all these months if he had an ultimate move all along? It's not he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend because we never kissed or held hands or slept with each other. We just talked and flirted a lot. I just really don't understand what happened there because I was enjoying our time together and I'm sure he did too or else he wouldn't spend that much time with me. The thing is I wasn't in love with him I fancied him a lot and liked what we had. I never once felt like I loved him for multiple reasons. First one being it was too soon for that second I don't fall in love easily I just like people quickly which is the reason why I want to spend more time with them so I can learn more about them and finally it never was my intention to make him fall in love with me or anything. As I already mentioned I just wanted us to me friends for a while so we can get to know each other more.

In the beginning I told you he crushed my heart which is complete true but not in a sense that I was in love with him. It just hurts being played by a person you were certain they wouldn't hurt you like that. I lost a good friend for a stupid reason. At least I'm done with him now. Also the saying that love comes when you least expect it doesn't work for me. At the time I met him I wasn't searching for anything and I randomly met him. For a while I would have believed it but he had to ruin that for me. I hope he knows how much he hurt me with what he did to me because I cherish everyone I come across and feel this will develop into a very good friendship. Having no relatives around me besides my dad let's me value friendships more than a relationship.

Finding someone special is very difficult anyone telling you something else is lying. That person has either incredibly luck on their side or it's some kind of witchcraft because love is the most complicated feeling humans can experience and finding someone who you can share this rare feeling with is equally rare.

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. If you are not careful enough big bad wolves will come and destroy it mercilessly.

Love you Ashy​. Until next time! x