Hey, not me!

Chapter Twenty Six: Issues.

I was unproductive the whole morning. I had to ask Bruce to take up most of my work and the chirpy guy couldn't have gotten chirpier. I wondered how he was always so nice and in a good mood. Maybe once I was done with being miserable I'd ask him his secret recipe to happiness. Or maybe my therapy session would be more fruitful than I hoped and I would get answers. I wasn't going to hold my breath, however.

I don't think if I had been condemned to death I would have felt any worse. I was being made to talk to someone about feelings and sex, two of my least favourite things in the world. And I had been labelled a prude by someone who barely knew me. I was downright having a shitty day and absolutely nothing could make it worse. Or so I thought. I guess I jinxed myself on that one.

As soon as I walked into Martha's office I knew things were about to get really ugly. It was one of my gut feelings. I should have run then but apparently my sense of self preservation had decided to take a nice relaxing holiday in the Antarctica. So, I stayed and told my story. I opened up about exactly what I felt about my subordinates disrespecting my office and my privacy. I may have mentioned how sex was gross and unsanitary. I am sure I made a lot of faces. And then when I was done Martha condemned me to the gallows.

"From what you are saying, you sound like you have a strong aversion towards everything sexual. Usually, this is a sign of unresolved sexual trauma. Have you ever been sexually assaulted in your life, Aisha?" She asked.

"Excuse you, what now?" My eyes nearly jumped out of my face in shock. "I have never been in any form of physical intimacy with anyone and have no plans of doing so either."

"Why is this?" She prompted.

"I just don't want to," I insisted, getting uncomfortable.

"Hmmn," she murmured thoughtfully. "Have you ever at least given it a try to be sure. Maybe after you have experienced it for yourself, you wouldn't be too opposed to the idea."

"I have never been run over by a car and am sure I wouldn't like it either," I defended.

"Aisha, that is different."

"Different how?" I asked defensively.

"It is natural to not want pain and being run over would be very painful. However, it is natural for living breathing human beings to desire physical and sexual intimacy or at the very least to be curious about it. You, on the other hand, are very closed off to the idea and it worries me." Her voice and expression were both very grave.

"Are you saying that there is something wrong with me? I don't think you are allowed to do that," I could feel my patience stretching thinner by the second.

"I have dealt with many patients over the years. A lot of them struggle with their sexual identity and self expression. Yet, I have never met someone quite as repressed as yourself," she explained. I laughed out loud.

"I am not repressed. I am fine. And not everyone wants sex," I defended.

"What about love? Don't you want to find someone? Make a home? Have a family of your own? You can't have any of these things if you are not open to the idea of sexual intimacy."

"The fact that I have to exchange my body for a life of slavery to a man is the reason why I don't believe in the so called love. I'd rather have a thousand cats, and I am allergic to fur." I replied in a passionate rage.

"Aisha, I am not trying to attack you. Please take a deep breath and listen to what I have to say," she went on.

"No, I am leaving." I immediately got up.

"Before you leave, can I say something?" She requested.

"Say it," I replied shortly.

"My work is to help people. And I only want what is best for my patients which means that sometimes I have to say things they'd rather not hear. Aisha, you are a very blessed young woman and should be able to enjoy your life fully. I don't think it is normal or healthy for you to deny yourself the things that make life so meaningful and beautiful. Love, sex and marriage are a natural part of life and I would be doing you an injustice to allow you to think otherwise. You might not be ready yet but as soon as you deal with your underlying issues then am sure you will see how much fuller your life could be."

As she finished her long speech my eyes had welled up with tears. I tried to blink them away but more only took their place. My heart raced in my chest and I could barely swallow for how sore and raw my throat felt with emotion. I couldn't remember the number of times I had had a similar argument with my mom. Mom had always been kind with her words but she never really understand why I wouldn't just let myself fall in love. She asked me the question more often than I liked until she finally decided to let go of the matter.

"I don't have issues," I said in a broken whisper. "I might not want what everyone else does, but it doesn't mean I am wrong. And you are not very good at your job, Martha. You should at least have more than one session with me before passing your diagnosis. Any fool would know that."

"Aisha..." She tried to speak but I wouldn't let her.

"You have said enough. Have a good day," I said and left.

My feet found their way before I could even think of what I would do. It was long before lunch but I needed my best friend. I found her at her reception desk. I threw my arms around her neck and let out all the ugly sobs. I didn't care that people were staring and I especially didn't care if people gossiped. It really hurt and I just needed to not feel like that anymore. And so I cried.