Hey, not me!

Chapter Thirty-five: Finally Free.

I think everyone's dream in life is to be absolutely happy. If it isn't, then I think it should be. There are moments in life that drag on forever, and there are long periods of time that pass by in a flash. That, is the falsehood of life. The illusion of time and eternity. The two dance together, entwined to convince us that forever is real. I never cared much for the endlessness of things. I just wanted, still want, to be free, to be happy, to live in a moment that doesn't weigh me down.

I don't quite remember the moment when I found my happy. I had been drifting along, unbothered by the things I could have had but didn't want. I had been content with just being myself, even on the days I was unsure what that meant. And then one day I woke up, I was smiling for no reason. I must have had a reason to be smiling so early because no person has any business smiling before noon. Yet, I didn't look for one. I just accepted that some days a girl could just be happy.

Sometime in the past year I had become a godmother. I had attended about a dozen weddings since apparently everyone I knew was of marriageable age. I hadn't cried at anymore weddings. I had finally rid myself of my birthday jinx. I had joined a book club. (The members were mostly from my AA group.) I had taken a few therapy sessions but didn't like them. They gave me something to laugh over with Sheila and that's probably why I went more than once.

I remember, however, the day when I finally caught my breath. I had been gasping for freedom since I could remember and had grown used to the breathlessness. When I finally had it, I almost died of how happy I was. People always say the truth will set you free but very few ever get to experience how real and how true that statement is. I didn't know that what I had been looking for had always been held in two words. When I found out, I was at a loss for words.

Aromantic Asexual.

Two little words that mean gibberish. I had been going to AA for months before I finally asked what the initials meant. When I first joined, I had been too timid to ask. As time passed by and people assumed I knew, I felt embarrassed to ask. So I let it slide past in a blur of weeks when I arrived at every Friday evening and left that much happier. It was April 6th and we were celebrating International Asexuality Day and I had no idea what that was when I decided that I had stayed in the dark for too long.

"I have been meaning to ask, and I feel so silly about it, what is all this Asexuality stuff?" I asked my AA buddy, Steve.

"You're kidding, right?" He asked in the most British accent. That was my favourite thing about him, I could listen to him talk for hours.

"I am not," I said quietly.

"Omg, how do you not know what the initials of our group are? You've been coming to meetings for months," he wondered.

"Well, I always felt ashamed to ask." I admitted.

"In that case, let me educate you. Asexuality is an umbrella term for people who experience little to no sexual attraction towards other people. And before you ask, sexual attraction is that pull you get towards someone in a sexual way. If you are full asexual, then you probably have no idea what that is. If you are grey, then you probably have a slight idea to what sexual attraction is. Any questions up to that point?" He offered.

"Uh, so I have never felt that pull you are talking about and am glad for it too. The thought of being with someone in a sexual way is absolutely disgusting," I replied.

"Aha, so you're probably full Ace. And sex repulsed too. Yeah, that means you are strongly opposed to the idea of a sexual relationship. As for Aromantic, it is exactly like Asexuality but now with romantic feelings rather than sexual ones. I guess I covered everything," he concluded.

"I liked a guy once, but it was more of a friend kind of interest than romantic. I just wanted to be friends really," I offered. "Though I found him very good looking. Does that discredit me as an aromantic asexual?"

"Of course not," he laughed. "Platonic love is a whole different thing. And being asexual and aromantic doesn't mean you are blind. Of course you can still see beauty and acknowledge it but if there is no that essential pull/attraction then you are legit." He clarified.

"So I am an aromantic asexual?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, babe. How does that feel?" He prompted.

"Amazing." I whispered under my breath.

My heart fluttered in my chest in an unfamiliar way. I had always imagined that if I ever fell in love that my heart would beat like this, stopping to skip every other beat. I felt an emotion akin to horror but completely opposite of it, like the exhilaration of falling off a building and knowing there was a net to catch you. In that moment, I felt like I finally was alive. And I wanted to scream my joy from rooftops but I held it in me, close to my heart, as my own little secret, something too pure to share with anyone but myself.

I had watched so many romantic comedies in my life. And so I knew that the moment when he said, "I love you," was always the highlight. When I said out loud that I am an aromantic asexual for the first time and knew what it meant, I felt my life shift and fall into place. I was no longer shackled by the things I should have been. I was now myself, truly and only me. Maybe I wasn't enough for the world that would not have me be me but I was more than enough for me. And that, that was what I had always wanted to find. A moment when I felt enough.