My Tears Ricochet // Alicent Hightower

36. Damn You Being All Sweet

"If we're not in control of every tiny aspect of our lives, what do we have?" Alicent declared dramatically.

"Emotional health?" Davina offered.

''Never heard of it.'' Alicent countered smiling back at Davina.

"It's overrated." Davina assured. She found herself smiling again but that was short lived. 

And everyone thought things were finally getting back to normal again, Davina included when Davina realized she was moons late. 

"Mum?" Haenry questioned finding her in the pits, in the dark. "Mum? you in here?" 

"Yeah." Davina rasped out. 

"Whats... whats going on?" Haenry questioned getting a torch. 

"I'm just... thinking." Davina offered. 

"About dad?" Haenry pondered. 

"Yeah." Davina agreed as she fisted the material around her stomach. She should have known better, she was on a liquid diet previously of ales and wines, then she was nauseous. she had been through this, had three sets of twins. She should have known better but how could she? She was depressed and miserable and trying to numb the pain. 

"I think he would be okay if you were starting to... you know... if you were moving on." Haenry offered. 

"I know you are right." Davina remarked. "But its not that. I love him very much." 

"Then whats wrong?"

"I dont think I ate today." Davina offered. "I'm... hungry." She let out a shaky breath as she stood up. "You hungry hun? Lets get something to eat." 

"Yeah I could eat." Haenry agreed. Davina wrapped an arm around him as they headed back inside. "Aegon and Helaena's wedding is coming up." Haenry remarked. 

"No it's not." Davina corrected. 

"It's not?" Haenry countered. 

"I need to talk to Alicent about that." Davina remarked. "They will make each other miserable and Alicent doesnt want that." 

"Are you sure youre okay mum?" Haenry questioned again. 

"I will be." Davina agreed. "Save me a piece of cake." Haenry nodded as he headed off. Then Davina went to her room and cried. How could she... why? Why was she... she didnt want to have a child, not another child if Harwin wasnt here. She already had six kids. Six children that she felt like she had been a shit parent to while she was in a meltdown of grief, she couldnt bring another into the world. 

"Auntie Ali?" Valyria questioned peering in. 

"Yes sweetie?" Alicent said as she rose up from the council meeting table. Valyria waved her to get closer. "Excuse me." ALicent remarked as she left. Otto stared back at her. These meetings were important, Alicent was the queen and she needed to be the queen not auntie. 

"Mama is sad again." Valyria informed her when Alicent closed the door. "Haenry said he found her in the pits and... I found her crying in her room. I thought you fixed her." Valyria remarked and Alicent held to Valyrias hand. 

"I will talk to your mama." Alicent agreed. 

"She's going to be alright, right? She needs to be alright again." Valyria whispered and Alicent saw tears filling her eyes. 

"I will make sure of it." Alicent agreed as she headed off. 

When Alicent got to Davina's chambers she looked to a massacred piece of cake. Stabbed and smashed but looked uneaten. 

"Davi?" 

"Hi." Davina whispered from the bed, fisting and unfisting her dress anxiously. 

"Valyria was worried about you. They all are." Alicent remarked. "Whats going on?" 

"I'm fine." Davina rasped. 

"You are clearly not." Alicent corrected as she sat beside her. "Tell me, I'm your friend. I can help." 

"My heart hurts." Davina whispered leaning into her. Alicent held her hand and Davina put it on her chest and Alicent felt the pitter patter of davina's heart, felt the shaky rise and fall of her chest. 

"I seem to be functioning in short sentences today." Davina added softly and no one liked seeing her like this. 

"What can I do to help your heart?" Alicent requested. Davina looked to her and kissed her gently. Her hand moved to Davina's cheek, her thumb stroked it gently. She kissed Alicent again before resting her forehead on Alicent's shoulder. 

"Alicent..." Davina whispered. "I'm pregnant."

"What?" Alicent rasped thinking she hadnt heard her right. 

"I'm..." davina sobbed out.

"Harwins." Alicent whispered and Davina nodded into her. 

"I'm late. I'm so late. I thought it was... I thought it was stress but..."

"We will get through this, he left you with a little gift, a little light, a little love." Alicent offered. 

" I'm not doing so great. I keep trying to start over but I can't get anywhere because I'm lost." Davina declared through an exasperated breath. "I tried and then this... I think Fury knew. He was tapping my stomach my like he felt it." Davina whimpered. 

"He is your baby." Alicent agreed. 

"I have never loved and hurt like this before." Davina declared tears falling to the bed. 

"I believe that when you love someone and that person loves you in return, you're uniquely vulnerable." Alicent agreed.  "Because they have a power to hurt you like nothing else. Like no one else when they are gone." 

"I dont want him to be gone." Davina's teeth chattered, she was going so well but three moons in and she felt broken all over again. "I dont want to want remember him like this, only seeing the pain. I want to make it stop. All of it." Davina begged. "I want to be a good mum but I can't. ALi I can't. I feel like I'm drowning again."

"No matter how much you miss him or how much pain you are in, I know you would never erased everything you had. Even when you were drowning in grief, I know you Davi, you would rather hang on to every moment that he ever held you, or every laugh you ever heard, every shred of happiness that you ever had... I know if you ever died I would rather spend every moment in agony missing you, than erase the memory of you." Alicent remarked gently and it only made Davina sob more. 

"damn you, being all sweet and making me smile." Davina mused relaxing into her as she choked out a smile. 

"I love you Davina. I'm here for you. Whatever you need, whatever you want. I'm right here." Alicent assured her kissing her cheek.