Calamitous Love - jegulus

Alone with my thoughts

---Regulus' POV

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to kiss him. But it's too late now.

As I enter my dorm room I see Barty and Evan sitting on my bed.

"How was it??"

"Tell us everything"

God they're annoying. But I was excited to tell him about the date.

I told them everything, of course sparing the part where I found out James and his friends are animagi and he agreed to help me be one too.

"You're completely red just talking about him."

"Oh shut up. But tonight felt really special, he has this thing about him that makes him so easy to trust and like."

"You're falling for him aren't you?"

"Don't say that! I'm not, you know I can't."

"Reggie you don't know that, you can try to get out of there. You can choose your own path."

"Evan please stop. The second I started going to Hogwarts my parents became a lot stricter you know that. I can't escape them."

Barty looks down, probably knowing exactly what I was feeling. Evan was the optimist in our group and I envied him for it.

"But you still went out with him tonight"

"I couldn't say no to him"

"Are you going to continue this?"

"I'm going to enjoy this as long as I can. Unless Sirius finds out."

Barty laughs, "He's completely oblivious, haven't you seen him lately? He's constantly following Lupin around like some kind of dog."

To be honest I hadn't realised that until now.

"It's getting pretty late, I'm going to sleep now"

"Lame Rosier but yeah me too."

"Night guys"

And now I was in my bed still in my clothes from earlier. I couldn't stop thinking about it all. How free I felt, how holding onto him felt like. My mother would be furious, she'd remind me of my destiny and talk about all the disappointments she's faced. She's never been truly disappointed at me, angry definitely but never disappointed. And that led her to expect me to want to lead the same life as her and not try to rebel or escape. She had her good moments too though and those she spent with me. I don't want to give up on those, though deep down I know that it's not worth it, that she is a genuinely bad person but I just don't want to accept it. I don't know how Sirius does it. He's planning on running away. Said he has it all planned out and is leaving the house we grew up in together in the summer holidays. We talk a lot less nowadays, I think he thinks I'm one of them, or planning it be but he still wants me to go with.

We grew distance to one another when I started my third year here. I'm only in my forth now but it feels like it's been longer. But we meet up with each other at the astronomy tower every month after the full moon. I'm guess it's because he's worried about Remus and isn't allowed staying with him in the hospital wing the whole night. But I don't mind, it's nice to have my brother back once in a while. I wonder if James knows about this, if he ever thinks about me when he's with Sirius.

I know he's planning on staying at the Potters and I know she's completely given up on Sirius ever living up to her impossibly high standards. But she knows I just want to make her happy. I know her childhood wasn't easy either, being forced to marry someone straight after her graduation. She's just doing what she thinks is right and what she was told and raised to do, but it's turned her into an awful and mean, scary person.

No she wouldn't let me go.

But maybe it's my turn to be brave?