Bucky Barnes / Steve Rogers Imagines

Don't Jump (Bucky)

I just wanted to put a quick warning on this one for suicide and dark thoughts. Thanks!

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Bucky stood there on the roof top watching you. You were so close to the edge of the roof, so, so close. "Y/N" he called out, anxiety running through him. You didn't turn around, you didn't flinch, you didn't even acknowledge that he called you. Bucky didn't move, he didn't want to scare you.

But then, you were gone. He stood shocked, glued to the spot he stood as he watched you jump off the roof. A moment went by before he came out of his stupor, he ran to the side of the building expecting to see your mangled body on the cold ground. But there was nothing there. No body. He glanced at the side of the building seeing if you had grabbed something, decided you had wanted to live. But you weren't there. He wracked his brain, maybe Sam had flown by and grabbed you? Maybe Peter swung by, he hated the kid but would be eternally grateful if he had saved you. Maybe you guys were playing a sick joke on him.

--

Bucky's eyes snapped open, his heart was racing. The room was dark, a nightmare he thought. He rolled over to pull you into his arms, nightmares were a common occurrence and holding you would calm him down so he could sleep for the rest of the night, like a child with a teddy bear. But you weren't there.

"Y/N?" he asked. He swore you had went to bed together. It was the middle of the night and you didn't have to be anywhere till late morning. Your shared apartment was small, a studio with a small sleeping alcove almost making an L shape. Neither of you could afford much, nor did you own much. Bucky leaned over straining his neck to see if you had gotten up, maybe you couldn't sleep and were reading. But he saw nothing. He got out of bed, thinking maybe you just had to use the bathroom, but the room was dark and the door was wide open.

He knew then, he had to go to the roof. It seemed silly, it was just a dream but he had a feeling it was more than that. When he walked through the door at the end of the stairway, he saw you, standing there, by the edge of the roof. He didn't want to scare you, so he said nothing. He slowly inched his way to where you stood. When he was about half way across he saw your knees bend and your feet slowly push off. No! he thought.

Bucky leapt forward towards you. He was terrified, as he jumped, that instead of saving you, you would both plummet to the ground. Although he likely wouldn't die, he'd fallen a few times in his life without dying, and that is why falling was one of his greatest fears. What if this time it would be his last. If you fell close enough to the building he was sure he could grab a hold of a ledge and stop the descent, his metal arm would make sure of that. Although it might not be without any damage to the building or his arm.

But he was lucky, he grabbed you around your waist pulling you towards him as you both fell backwards onto the roof. He refused to let you go. He heard you gasp as you landed roughly. He felt you try to scramble out of his arms. "No, Y/N, No, I'm not letting go."

You stopped struggling and turned your head to face him. He watched as your eyes went wide, you covered your mouth as you gasped his name, "Bucky." He watched the realization wash over your face, the realization of what you had almost done, your eyes quickly changed from sorrow to terror.

He loosened his grip slightly so you could turn to face him. Your eyes boring into his own, the tears had started to fall down your face. "Why Y/N?"

You looked back at him ashamed. You had met because you were both broken in the first place. He didn't need you to do this to him. God, he had much worse done to him yet he was still here, he was still trying to get on the best he could. You felt terrible, you knew you were terrible. "I'm sorry," you whispered.

"Why Y/N?" Bucky said a little more forcibly. "Why would you kill yourself."

You sighed, you didn't want to tell him, you didn't want to admit the truth. "There's no point."

"I need to know."

"That's not what I mean," you hesitated a moment before the words began flying out. "I just don't think there is a point to life. Nothing we do matters. All that stuff that was done to us, or what we have done to others, it didn't matter. People work so hard, for what. It all gets thrown out and in 100 years no one remembers us, it's like we didn't exist at all. It wouldn't have mattered if we did or not."

"You matter to me." Bucky responded, he wasn't shocked, this wasn't something that he hadn't heard from you before.

"Bucky, I can barely take care of myself. How do people do it. I can only get the bare minimum done, sleep, go to work, workout sometimes. Sometimes I don't know if I need more help from someone or if my resentment at people is because I know I'm not doing enough." You thought about a time where you got mad at Bucky for not taking care of something that needed to be fixed in the apartment. But were you really mad at him or were you mad at yourself for not being able to handle it. "I can't even get the help I need because I can't seem to take the initiative to make the phone call to a doctor. I'm useless."

"You're doing what you can. You are doing your best. Getting up and going to work is a triumph in itself. It'll get better, it has to get better. I'll do whatever you need me to do, help you, don't help you, whatever you say. But you matter to me. Who cares if everything we work for doesn't matter in 100 years. It matters right now and you make a difference to me. You help me, more than you know, even if it's just by living." Bucky pulled you back in squeezing you hard, he was afraid to let go once more.

"Buck, how do you do it?" you whispered.

"I don't know. I just try to make it through each day and sometimes the next one was better than the last. Sometimes it's not." Bucky gave you a pained smile. "Lets go back to bed and see if tomorrow might be a little bit better."

Your crying had intensified into sobbing. You were able to squeak out an "Ok" Bucky picked you up and carried you down the stairs back to your apartment laying you down in bed. He lay next to you pulling you into his arms holding you tight.

"I love you." he whispered while smoothing some hair away from your face. Your sobbing had subsided but you would still hiccup in your sleep like a baby who fell asleep during a tantrum.

Please be here when I wake up, Bucky prayed.