The White Phoenix

Chapter 59 - Blame

Lan Ying woke the following morning and for the first time in a very long time, he felt numb. Lan Wangji did not blame him for the ambush, but Lan Ying was no fool. The attack was because of him. Just like the first ambush, and now this one. Lan Ying was in pain, so much emotional and mental pain. Lan Ying snuck out of the Jingshi while Wangji went to go get breakfast. Lan Ying went into the cold caves and knelt down where he was supposed to kneel if he was to be punished or to reflect upon his faults.

Lan Ying knelt there for what seemed like hours. It actually took Wangji a while before he found Lan Ying, mostly because the cold cave was blocking some of the connection between him and Lan Ying. Wangji didn't like what Lan Ying was doing, but he didn't know how to handle this without his brother for advice. He would always look to him for advice when he struggled on what he should do.

Right now, Lan Ying was punishing himself, blaming himself for the both ambushes that took place in Cloud Recesses. Lan Ying stared at the wall of the cave, frozen over in thick layers of ice. His eyes never looked away, and they barely even blinked. Lan Wangji hated seeing him like this. When Lan Ying was younger, it was a bit easier to soothe him and comfort him, and tell him that nothing was on him. Even now, what happened what not Lan Ying's fault, but he blamed himself anyway.

Lan Wangji knelt down beside Lan Ying and stayed there. Lan Ying didn't even realize Wangji's presence for a good few minutes. Lan Ying glared at Wangji for kneeling with him,

"What are you doing?" Lan Ying asked.

"You are blaming yourself and punishing yourself for it," Wangji said, "I will kneel here with you until you are done kneeling."

"This has nothing to do with you," Lan Ying said.

"You are my husband, and I will share these burdens with you. You are not to be blamed for the ambush, neither of them. They used you as en excuse, but you are not to be blamed," Wangji said, "so I will kneel here with you. Be punished with you."

Lan Ying let out a huff and tears started flowing down his face, "Lan Zhan! Everything hurts! I've never experienced so much pain before," he said placing his hand over his chest, "Xichen-Ge is in danger and he could die because of me. This sect got ambushed again because Guiwang wants me. I'm so tired! I'm so fucking tired!" Lan Ying slammed his fist to the ground, causing the ground to crash and splinter a bit.

Wangji immediately grabbed Lan Ying's hand, rubbing the back of his hand to make sure he wasn't seriously hurt from that punch to the ground, "I know you hurt, but it will be okay. We have to believe that. We need to keep our minds in a positive state in order to keep focused. If we worry or take blame, it will just make things worse. This is the first time you are really seeing a war play out. It's painful for everyone but he have to be strong and get through this together. I love you very much, and I am going to fight by your side for all eternity...didn't we promise each other? Forever?"

Lan Ying nodded as Wangji pulled him into his arms, "it will be okay. We have to be strong. Xiongzhang will want us to be strong."

"Lan Zhan, I love you so much too," Lan Ying said.

Wangji placed a kiss on Lan Ying's forehead, "we will be okay...you will be okay."

Lan Ying just cried. He cried and he crumbled into Lan Wangji's embrace. Lan Wangji sat there and let him cry, he needed it.

"Are you getting cold?" Wangji asked him.

Lan Ying went from crying to giggling, "A'Zhan, I'm made of fire, I don't get cold. Are you cold?" He asked.

"No, I'm made of ice...I don't think I could get any colder," Wangji said.

"You feel warm if you are suppose to be cold," Lan Ying said.

Lan Wangji pushed Lan Ying back to have him lay on the cold ground, "want to get warmer?" He asked.

"You want to do it in your sacred cave?" Lan Ying asked.

"No one needs to know," Wangji said...and then he pounced.

Lan Ying and Wangji were in that cave for the whole day. The cold snowy ground was nothing for those two. Acting as if nothing happened, the two left and went back to the Jingshi. Of course, if didn't take long after returning for Lan Ying to fall back into his guilt ridden state. Wangji saw it and he knew that for Lan Ying to get rid of his guilt, he needed to get Xichen back safely and have him tell Lan Ying himself, that it wasn't his fault.

"Lan Ying, what did we talk about before?" Wangji asked him as he sat beside him on the bed.

"I can't let it go," Lan Ying said balling up, "you should know, for fifty thousand years, my family has been trying to protect me from Guiwang. It started when I just reached the age to marry, at twenty thousand. It's like that standard age of marriage for you, which is eighteen to twenty years old. Guiwang sent a marriage proposal for me, saying he won't cause harm to anyone if they let him have me. I told them no, and even they said no. Since then, he has been trying to get to me. Going after anyone who is close to me...he killed my best friend that I grew up with...who was also their to assist me and protect me. He died because of me...everything happens because of me. It would all be just fine if I never existed."

Lan Wangji grabbed Lan Ying's face so he could look him straight into his eyes, "you are not at fault. You are a victim not a fault. Your parents will gladly say the same as I do. This is not your fault. Do you hear me?"

Lan Ying nodded, "what do I do? I have no idea what is going to happen when we go to the mounds day after tomorrow. I will never forgive myself if your brother dies. I will end my own life if I see that."

"You end your life, I end mine!" Wangji warned, "and we will make sure that nothing happens to my brother. Do you understand?!"

"Lan Zhan," Lan Ying said with a sob, "I don't know how to get through this."

Lan Wangji held Lan Ying close and sat there all night long just comforting his husband. He was worried, for Lan Ying and did his brother. He had to be levelheaded right now more than ever.