Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C.9

Hi everyone!
Thank you as always for your support, comments and votes.

I thought the hardest part of having to confront Maya in relation to my alleged, and now confirmed, pregnancy was her fears, my fears, the combination of them, the fear for Viviana, Maya backing off, the nightmares of my past pregnancy...but no. The hardest part was getting Maya to accept the idea that my doctor should be Letizia. From the moment we got up yesterday morning, with the idea of picking Vivi up from her sleepover, taking her to daycare, going to the hospital, and having her examine me, Maya began a tarantella of controversy that she looked like the pregnant one. to the point that after getting dressed on the fly I left her at home to blow off some steam on her own while I took Viviana to kindergarten. Finally, with exactly one minute to go before the visit, which I had asked Letizia without giving her too much information, Maya relented and even tried to show her best smile when she welcomed us into her office.

The blood test, the gynecological examination, the ultrasound all confirmed that I am pregnant, with perfectly adequate levels on all fronts, both of fetal growth and the well-being of both of us. And it was in the face of these confirmations that I was assured that I will never love anyone as much as I love Maya and that I am the luckiest person in the world to have her. For a moment I feared that all my hormonal storms, which have made me so unbearable and unstable these past few weeks, had driven her away from me. I keep telling her that I absolutely do not want my pregnancy to become a justification for all my bad acts and bad words spoken in the period just past. But there is no explanation that I can give her anymore, because by now Maya is completely bamboozled with this pregnancy thing. When Letizia turned the ultrasound screen toward us, I recognized exactly, of course, what I was supposed to be looking at, and I was thrilled: it was overwhelming to be able to reach out a hand and shake Maya's, to finally feel as two, to be able to share this immense joy with someone. Nothing, however, could prepare me for the wave of emotion I felt when I turned my gaze and found Maya in tears, staring dreamily at the screen, only to confess to me a few minutes later that she had no idea what she should be looking at to recognize the fetus. In Maya's tears I found all the love she has for me, I found a sense of relaxation, as if a weight had finally been lifted from both of our shoulders and we could now share this experience all over again, together at last. There is no doubt that I consider Maya to be Viviana's other parent, just as I am sure that Maya loves her so much that she would do anything for her, to the point that I am also sure that if she had to choose, she would always prefer Viviana to me. There is also no doubt that by now I am saying "our daughter" more and more often when I talk about Viviana. But now in my womb is growing exactly the fruit of our love, as the perfect mixture of the two of us, and it is an overwhelming emotion.

We agreed to wait a little longer before telling anyone else, including Viviana, but it is very difficult to contain the excitement, joy and happiness only in our bubble. I am so happy and Maya's excitement is so addictive that I want to shout it to the whole world.

Being pregnant has changed my perspective on everything- I know it's wrong, because I'm the first one who doesn't want pregnancy to be used as a justification for my behaviors -, but I can't help but scale back all my jealousies and relationship "drama" in the face of this news. So the fact that right now Maya is about to face the first dinner of her business trip together with Caterina becomes something very light for me.

If I, however, this morning, immediately after Maya's departure, went to my psychotherapist, as usual, with whom I could finally give an explanation to so many whys and with whom I could immediately begin to work on this topic, because I am sure that hundreds of thoughts and comparisons will develop inside me, this time not only with my mom, but also with the previous pregnancy. So if I am fortunate enough to have tools to be able to put my emotions in place, the same does not seem to be true for my daughter.