Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C. 23

TW: blood

If I had to find words to describe the love I feel for Maya I would not find them, because they have yet to be invented. For me this period of pregnancy is very difficult, because it is very obvious, I have a huge baby bump, the ultrasound scans practically represent a newborn already made, I have felt it move so much, I have felt it live inside me, now I feel it starting to look for the right position. This is not my first pregnancy, these are not new sensations for me, although seeing Maya's eyes go wide with amazement each time makes me believe that I am reliving everything for the first time myself. It is difficult, however, because I am running the risk of getting carried away by fatigue: I want to work until the last, to enjoy my children more afterwards, but my feet always hurt, my back aches, I have to go to the bathroom very often, and I can't look at myself in the mirror. In fact, if I look at myself I see a woman who has gained so many pounds, I see myself deformed, I see myself ugly, and I feel sad and dissatisfied and cynical and ungrateful for not being able to let the joy of carrying a life prevail in me anyway. A mechanism is triggered in my head, so that if while I was expecting Viviana I had to make myself strong, put aside every thought and every paranoia, today that I have Maya I find myself throwing everything at her, making even trivialities become huge. Especially when I was pregnant with Viviana, I didn't care about the extra pounds because there was no one watching me; now I'm always afraid to eat one too many cookies because I know it's going to go on my thighs and then who knows if I'll ever be like I was before. I want to be beautiful for Maya, I want her to never for a moment stop wanting me, and when she surprised me last night with her confession, about me turning her on more and more day by day, I felt lighter and even a little stupid, for not giving her enough credit. Maya is special and perhaps too many times I tend to forget that. And once again tonight Maya wanted to show me her uniqueness and love by taking me out to dinner. She texted me over the course of the afternoon, while we were both at work, that she had made reservations for dinner for two tonight at that restaurant I had long said I wanted to try. She took care of convincing Viviana to sleep over at her grandmother's house, as Katherine is now officially called, with the promise that she would pick her up the next day to take her to school tomorrow morning.

I dressed in front of our bedroom mirror as if I were a high school girl on a first date, with the same tension and excitement, sorting through clothes and getting nervous because the choice was rather limited given the size of my belly. I tried to tell myself like a mantra, however, that for Maya this is not an impediment at all.

The restaurant is just as beautiful as I imagined, with the romantic atmosphere, the delicious dishes, and the elegant room. Maya and I outside seem almost out of context, because if we look around, as we always like to do, we are pretty much the only couple laughing, eyes twinkling. The others all look like they are either walking on eggs on their first date, or have invented a night out to dinner out of desperation in an attempt to rebuild some kind of relationship. We meanwhile keep laughing, searching each other with our eyes, our hands, even our feet under the tablecloth. A part of me is already foretasting the post-evening, at home, just the two of us: there was a time I would have wished for maybe even just a quiet evening in front of the TV without intrusion from my daughter, but now, in the wake of last night's talk, I can't stop thinking about how much I would desire Maya's penis in every way possible afterward. Maya looks at me laughing, grimacing and I'm almost afraid she has read my mind. I can't bring myself to say mine though because suddenly I feel the world stop, my breath first quickening exaggeratedly and then holding, my throat becoming dry, my eyes burning, I don't know if from tears or from the sweat dripping from my forehead. My ears are plugged, every sound is isolated, distant. If I squint I can make out Maya's lips moving, from the lip I think she is calling me, but there is no stimulus really reaching my neural endings. Everything stopped in an instant. In that instant. And I close my eyes.