Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C. 40 - Maya

HI! Thanks as always everyone. Here's a new chapter for you.. 5 left to go, plus the epilogue.See you soon!

I have always thought of myself as an extremely independent person. As I am learning from this new psychological journey of mine, finally chosen in the first person and with a good professional, my seeing myself as an independent person has distant roots, in a past in which it was necessary for me to stand up for myself, to find in me and exclusively in me the tools to, literally, survive. Showing my weaknesses to a person, showing myself vulnerable has thus long been a symptom of weakness for me. Together with Carina, years ago, I realized that this is not the case, but being able to dismantle the mental pattern that leads me to believe in the equation "letting go = weakness". In fact, my independence I have also always considered it a character strength, but only now that I stop considering it as the only possible option, can I allow myself to feel so deeply, almost as if it were running in my bones, the lack of Carina.

Since we have been arguing over Angelica, our relationship has been a constant oscillation between moments of serenity and peace in the family and moments of chill in the bedroom, shielded from the eyes of the girls. We try to talk as little as possible, because we both agreed that always going around the same topics is not good for us.

I enter the bedroom at my favorite time of day: Carina is sitting on the bed breastfeeding Celeste, before changing her last diaper and putting her to bed. I stand in the doorway for a few moments, as if I were standing in front of the greatest masterpiece of art in the greatest museum in the world. Carina raises her head and barely smiles at me, nodding her head as if to allow me access. Slowly Celeste is stopping taking her breast milk, she only does it more at night now, and I already feel bloody sad that I will no longer have the privilege of witnessing such an act of love for who knows how long. On the wave of emotion I asked Carina for another child while we were making love, and then we never talked about it again, we did not approach the subject even remotely. On the one hand, I am aware that it is very early and, above all, I firmly believe in the idea that Carina's body is sacred and I would like her to feel free to handle it and to handle a possible new wave of desire for motherhood in complete serenity, without pressure from me. On the other hand, I would look forward to seeing her pregnant again, to discover her body changing day by day, to feel the tiny movements in her belly, to see the little arms moving under her skin, to imagine a new life, to wonder what she will look like, what she will become, what color eyes she will have, and what dreams will belong to her.

C < you think so loudly that you make noise..> Carina tells me and I smile at her, moving closer to them and sitting on the edge of the bed. I move a little, finding a position that might be comfortable, and then with one hand I caress Celeste's little foot as I sink my nose on her head: smelling her scent is my drug.

M < are you feeding, Peanut? At this rate you'll be big and strong in no time..slow down a little..> I whisper. Carina reaches a hand into my hair, giving me a little scalp massage, and we stay like that, in our bubble, made of sweet little words and gentle, loving touches.

M < let's go change your diaper, patatina!> I take Celeste in my arms, holding her tightly to me, after Carina burps her. I stand up and smile at the woman of my life, one of three.

C < are you sure, amore? Are you going to change her?> I nod and she thanks me, declaring herself dead tired.

When I try to lay Celeste down in her crib, she makes little moans that are exactly why I almost never put her to bed: with every little moan, groan or cry I pick her up and wish I could keep her with me all the time.