Not just me & you anymore (G!P)

C. 39

HI!! 🔥😏

After all these days of silence and anger, I really needed a personal and intimate vent, but I certainly didn't expect this twist: when my therapist told me that Maya had been to see her this morning, out of reaction I had to laugh. Then it was the basis of our very intense session and it is also what brings me here, with this attitude tonight, of more openness than the past few days. The other side of the coin with respect to this attitude of openness is that for a great deal of time, from her arrival until halfway through dinner, I could not look at her face, or anywhere else, because I would not have been able to contain the attraction and desire that I feel for her anyway. And it's kind of the same difficulty I'm having now as we talk in the garden: there are still quite a few negative feelings inside me, but deep down I love her and trust her immensely, so there's a part of me that thinks that maybe good sex would be a great way to release these negative emotions. On the other hand, however, I know that it is really necessary to talk and confront each other.

M < our history, before Viviana, before all this, has always been serious. We had dates, exhibitions, dinners out and whatever, but underlying it was always the idea that I was different..> I'm about to open my mouth and interrupt her, but she raises her hand and stops me. < I know what you would like to say..>

C < yes?> I ask raising an eyebrow.

M < yes, that you never considered me different and all those things there. But it was me experiencing that diversity in a heavy way. I don't know how to really explain the feeling that I used to have and that I have even now when I think back to our dating, our first year together... even when we were having a good time, everything was a first for me and as a result I was having an immense struggle to deal with all the stress that came with it... from that time I remember a love that almost suffocates me, but I also remember a seriousness that verges on heaviness... >

C < so you were not well? >

M < I was perfectly fine. But over time I realized that maybe we would never last..we would somehow implode..> I sigh and nod, trying to give her the space to explain herself as she sees fit.
< when we broke up I thought I could never live again...>

C < Maya..> and my voice is a choked moan of pain.

M < until I realized, I don't even know how or when, but I realized that in fact instead separating from you had made me freer...not because you were no longer there, on the contrary, but because I was and am more aware...because I know what I want, I know what I like...and I discovered, with Angelica, what it means to be with someone without expectations...I know it affects so much that I didn't really feel a feeling of love for her, but it made me feel very good to be equal... > I frown and she smiles at my confusion. < when we met, as you well know, I didn't have to explain anything to her: Angelica already knew everything about me, about my diversity, I didn't have to explain, emphasize, figure out how to do it...I already knew everything too..I knew what I liked about being in a relationship..>

C < so I was sort of an internship, whereas with her you were already experienced, but without love?>

M < if you want to put it that way..> she concedes. I sigh, pausing to reflect what this confession makes me feel.

C < how does this reflection connect in current life?> I ask, a little startled by the answer.

M < when we got back together, there was Viviana, and as you always said you couldn't joke anymore..>

C < however did you then realize that we never really joked..> I interrupt her.

M < yes. But most of all that part of me came back, which evidently only comes out in relation to a feeling, of servility...I don't know what to call it...that aspect of me that I was saying before, whereby I tend to put aside my needs and desires if they are not perfectly aligned with yours..>